The best mean jokes

My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
Vote: has 78.59 % from 18 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: food, mean, religious, wife
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
Vote: has 77.37 % from 53 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: alcohol, mean, party, ugly, women
Little boy says to his father: "Daddy, I heard on the news that cigarettes have become much more expensive. Does it mean that you're going to smoke less from now on?" And father replies: "No, son. I will smoke as much as a have. But, you'll be eating less!"
Vote: has 76.89 % from 23 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: dad, food, kids, mean, money
Boy: "Hey baby, what's your sign?" Girl: "Do Not Enter!"
Vote: has 76.80 % from 29 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: flirt, mean, men, women
An IRS agent is lying on his psychiatrist's couch bemoaning the fact that everyone in the world hates him. "Nonsense", says his doctor. "Everyone in the world doesn't hate you. Everyone in the United States, perhaps, but certainly not everyone in the world."
Vote: has 76.32 % from 16 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: accountant, doctor, geography, mean
Q: What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers? A: They grow taller!
Vote: has 75.27 % from 27 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: insulting, lawyer, mean, viagra
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I buzz you in. Come inside and elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?" "Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? "What... You're coming empty handed?"
Vote: has 74.94 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, jewish, mean
An airman finds a barber shop near the base and goes inside for a haircut. After getting a nice, short flat-top, the airman asks how much he should pay. "No charge, son" replies the barber, "Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." The next day, as he opens shop, the barber finds a squadron T-shirt and a thank-you note left by his customer. Later that day, a staff sergeant comes in, asking the barber to take a little bit off the sides. When the haircut was complete and the NCO reaches for his wallet, the barber again says: "No charge, sergeant. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." The next day, as he opens shop, he is pleased to find an Air Force hat and a squadron coin by the door, with a thank-you note. Later that day, a colonel comes in, asking if the barber can do something to cover his bald spot. The barber obliges, and when it comes time to pay, he again says: "No charge, sir. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." The barber comes to work the next day and finds on his doorstep... three more Air Force colonels.
Vote: has 74.94 % from 32 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: air force, mean, military, money, time
Your families are extremely proud of you. You can't imagine the sense of relief they are experiencing. This would be a most opportune time to ask for money.
Vote: has 73.52 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: family, graduation, mean, money, time
Jim asked his friend, Tony, whether he had bought his wife anything for Valentine's Day. "Yes," came the answer from Tony who was a bit of a chauvinist, "I've bought her a belt and a bag." "That was very kind of you," Jim added, 'I hope she appreciated the thought." Tony smiled as he replied, "So do I, and hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work better now."
Vote: has 73.52 % from 14 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: friendship, mean, Valentines day, wife, work