Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
A: Beat it. We're closed.
Q: If Bigamy is having one wife too much, what is Monogamy?
A: The Same!
A man is watching TV supping the fourth can from his six pack.
"Don't go", he suddenly yells at the screen.
"Do not enter that building. Turn around and walk away. Aargh, you stupid man."
His wife calls from the kitchen, "what on earth are you watching?"
"Our wedding video," he bravely answers.
Vote:
I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.
I was walking through the cemetery the other day when a thought crossed my mind.
Call me a sentimental old fool if you like, but I couldn't resist it.
I texted my ex saying 'wish you were here'.
The Dilbert Principle: The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.
Vote:
I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you."
I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She said, "It's me talking to the wine.
If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil.
If I'm laughing, I've already done it.
Autocorrect can kiss my ask!
Vote:
A man was talking to his wife about going to the social security office.
He said he would go the next day.
So the next morning he goes but when he gets there he realized he forgot his license and she said that was fine she could tell his age by the hair on his chest. So he opened his shirt and everything went smoothly.
He got home and told his wife what happened and she said: "well honey if you would have pulled down your pants you could have filed for disability."