A man is watching TV supping the fourth can from his six pack.
"Don't go", he suddenly yells at the screen.
"Do not enter that building. Turn around and walk away. Aargh, you stupid man."
His wife calls from the kitchen, "what on earth are you watching?"
"Our wedding video," he bravely answers.
Vote:
Bob had been listening to his wife practicing her singing.
"Honey," he said, "I wish you'd sing the songs about Women's Day."
"That's nice of you, Bob," she said. "Why?"
"Then I'd only have to hear you once a year!"
Q: If Bigamy is having one wife too much, what is Monogamy?
A: The Same!
Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?
A: Beat it. We're closed.
I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.
I can't see the point of going to a lap-dancing club.
If I wanted a woman who would take my money and sexually frustrate me, I would get married.
The Dilbert Principle: The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.
Vote:
I was walking through the cemetery the other day when a thought crossed my mind.
Call me a sentimental old fool if you like, but I couldn't resist it.
I texted my ex saying 'wish you were here'.
If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil.
If I'm laughing, I've already done it.
I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you."
I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?"
She said, "It's me talking to the wine.