The best mean jokes

I never knew happiness till I got married. By then it was too late.
Vote: has 80.46 % from 20 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: marriage, mean, time
So David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. "Ma", he said to his Mother, "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance." Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him. "It's that one", said his mother, without blinking an eye. "Holy cow", exclaimed David, "how in the world did you know it was her?" "I just don't like her", she replied.
Vote: has 80.29 % from 55 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: family, mean, mother in law, wedding
An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"
Vote: has 79.96 % from 27 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: air force, airplane, car, mean, work
"I'll never find the right guy," I heard the young guest at the wedding shower sigh. "Don't give up," urged an older woman. "Every pot has a lid." "Or," a cynical voice behind her offered, "you could just be a skillet."
Vote: has 79.57 % from 19 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: age, love, mean, wedding
A Yankee from Chicago and a Texan were talking. The Yankee said, "sex is so easy where I'm from we just walk up and stick it in." The Texan said, "where I'm from we stick it in and walk up."
Vote: has 79.35 % from 33 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: communication, dirty, geography, mean, sex
Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? A: Beat it. We're closed.
Vote: has 79.34 % from 46 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: business, dirty, mean, vulgar
I was wondering why air is so polluted. Then I remembered people saying "Love is in the air". Now it makes sense.
Vote: has 79.27 % from 26 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: love, mean
An airman finds a barber shop near the base and goes inside for a haircut. After getting a nice, short flat-top, the airman asks how much he should pay. "No charge, son" replies the barber, "Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." The next day, as he opens shop, the barber finds a squadron T-shirt and a thank-you note left by his customer. Later that day, a staff sergeant comes in, asking the barber to take a little bit off the sides. When the haircut was complete and the NCO reaches for his wallet, the barber again says: "No charge, sergeant. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." The next day, as he opens shop, he is pleased to find an Air Force hat and a squadron coin by the door, with a thank-you note. Later that day, a colonel comes in, asking if the barber can do something to cover his bald spot. The barber obliges, and when it comes time to pay, he again says: "No charge, sir. Your dedication and sacrifice in the service of our nation is payment enough." The barber comes to work the next day and finds on his doorstep... three more Air Force colonels.
Vote: has 78.85 % from 57 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: air force, mean, military, money, time
What four animals does a woman like to have in her house? A tiger in bed, a mink in her closet, a jaguar in her garage and a jackass to pay for it all.
Vote: has 78.77 % from 32 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: animal, car, mean, money, women
I quit my gym this morning because one of the instructors started shouting at me, "Come on man, you've got to want it! Come on push. You can do it." I hate being disturbed when I'm having a dump.
Vote: has 78.77 % from 32 votes. Send joke:
More jokes about: communication, fitness, gym, mean


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