Kid to her mother: "If you hurt me I'll make you pregnant by a needle." Mother: "How? My sweet it isn't possible." Kid: "I'll insert the needle to daddy's condom!"
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
My ex-wife is so thick, that it is for me, when we meet sometimes, easier to jump her over than to go around her.
Roger, who was 19 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London. The jeweller inquired, "Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?" Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, "No, instead engrave 'To my one and only love'." The jeweller smiled and said, "Yes, sir; how very romantic of you." Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, "Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again."
So David Is finally engaged, and is excited to show off his new bride. "Ma", he said to his Mother, "I'm going to bring home three girls and I want you to guess which one is my fiance." Sure enough twenty minutes later, David walks in the door with three girls following behind him. "It's that one", said his mother, without blinking an eye. "Holy cow", exclaimed David, "how in the world did you know it was her?" "I just don't like her", she replied.
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
"I'll never find the right guy," I heard the young guest at the wedding shower sigh. "Don't give up," urged an older woman. "Every pot has a lid." "Or," a cynical voice behind her offered, "you could just be a skillet."
I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.
Behind every successful man is a surprised woman.