The best mean jokes

Drunk man stumbles upstairs late at night and bursts through the bedroom door with a duck under his arm. He announces to his now awake annoyed wife that "This is the pig I've been screwing." The wife unimpressed said "You drunk arsehole... That's a duck". The bloke looks down at the duck and then looks back up at his wife and says... "I was talking to the duck!"
has 81.51 % from 86 votes. More jokes about: animal, drunk, mean, vulgar, wife
I can't see the point of going to a lap-dancing club. If I wanted a woman who would take my money and sexually frustrate me, I would get married.
has 81.43 % from 79 votes. More jokes about: marriage, mean, money, sex, women
When Chuck Norris comes into your house, you are the guest.
has 81.42 % from 118 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, mean
Mum: "How would you describe me?" Dad: "ABCDEFGHIJK" Mum: "What does that mean?" Dad: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, funny, graceful, helpful, intelligent." Mum: "What about JK?" Dad: "Just Kidding."
has 81.40 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: communication, mean, men, women
I was sat with my wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, when she said, "I love you so much, you know. I don't know how I could ever live without you." I said, "Is that you or the wine talking?" She said, "It's me talking to the wine.
has 81.25 % from 58 votes. More jokes about: communication, love, mean, wife, wine
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world." The woman says, "I'll miss you."
has 81.23 % from 51 votes. More jokes about: couple, mean, women
Husband: "Right now, for this Women's Day, I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world!" Wife: "Oh dear, I will miss you!"
has 81.21 % from 78 votes. More jokes about: holiday, marriage, mean, women
Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? A: Beat it. We're closed.
has 81.11 % from 71 votes. More jokes about: business, dirty, mean, vulgar
My wife just nudged me and said, "you weren't even listening, were you?". I thought, 'that's a strange way to start a conversation'.
has 81.02 % from 64 votes. More jokes about: communication, marriage, mean
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
has 80.93 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: age, communication, mean, wife, wine
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