A man is watching TV supping the fourth can from his six pack. "Don't go", he suddenly yells at the screen. "Do not enter that building. Turn around and walk away. Aargh, you stupid man." His wife calls from the kitchen, "what on earth are you watching?" "Our wedding video," he bravely answers.
Three couples are having a picnic. One man says to his wife, "Pass me the honey, honey." The second man says to his wife, "Pass me the sugar, sugar." Then the third man says to his wife, "Pass me the bacon, pig."
Wife: "There's something preying on my mind." Husband: "Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation."
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
Q: Why did my wife cross the road? A: To go back to the first shoe shop we went in three bloody hours ago.
It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But not Sleep It can buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. A more true Friend you will never find.
If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil. If I'm laughing, I've already done it.
On the way home from a hunt, a hunter stops by the grocery store. "Give me a couple of steaks," he says. "We're out of steaks but we have hot dogs and chicken," says the butcher. "Hotdogs and chicken?!" yells the hunter. "How can I tell my wife I bagged a couple of hotdogs and chickens?"
Q: How do you circumcise a redneck? A: You kick his sister in the jaw.
Kid to her mother: "If you hurt me I'll make you pregnant by a needle." Mother: "How? My sweet it isn't possible." Kid: "I'll insert the needle to daddy's condom!"