Workplaces are like septic tanks: All the biggest lumps eventually rise to the top.
Q: What is the difference between your cock, and your bonus? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!
It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But not Sleep It can buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. A more true Friend you will never find.
Q: Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors? A: So they can see the battlefield.
Son: "What are you going to be for Halloween dad?" Me: "Drunk" Son: "What's mom gonna be?" Me: "Mad"
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps? A: New Jersey got first pick.
My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
My ex-girlfriend loves the heat. She has a nostalgia for hell.
Three couples are having a picnic. One man says to his wife, "Pass me the honey, honey." The second man says to his wife, "Pass me the sugar, sugar." Then the third man says to his wife, "Pass me the bacon, pig."
Q: Why did my wife cross the road? A: To go back to the first shoe shop we went in three bloody hours ago.