My friend thinks that onion is the only fruit that can make us cry. So I just threw the coconut up to his head, he cried then.
My mother in law was complaining about her dentures to me. She told: "Whenever I get overweight it'll be a stench; when I make myself thin it would be stretched; when something squeezes in it then I 'll faint from enjoyment!"
Wife: "There's something preying on my mind." Husband: "Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation."
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
I quit my gym this morning because one of the instructors started shouting at me, "Come on man, you've got to want it! Come on push. You can do it." I hate being disturbed when I'm having a dump.
A customer walked into our store looking for Christmas lights. I showed her our top brand, but, wanting to make sure each bulb worked, she asked me to take them out of the box and plug them in. I did, and each one lit up. "Great," she said. I carefully placed the string of lights back in the box. But as I handed them to her, she looked alarmed. "I don't want this box," she said abruptly. "It's been opened."
Customer to Waiter: "This is the third time I'm asking you, do you serve pigs in here?!" Waiter: "Sir Please sit down, this is the 100th time I telling you, we serve everyone here."
You are in my heart, you are in my blood, you are in all my body. Alas, my doc says: "You are a parasite!"
I was wondering why air is so polluted. Then I remembered people saying "Love is in the air". Now it makes sense.
Q: How long does it take for a workplace bully to come up with a patentable new invention? A: It depends: If the designer's desk drawer is locked, about 5 minutes, otherwise, under a minute.