An Air Force cargo plane was preparing for departure from Thule Air Base in Greenland. They were waiting for the truck to arrive to pump out the aircraft's sewage holding tank. The Aircraft Commander was in a hurry, the truck was late in arriving, and the Airman performing the job was extremely slow in getting the tank pumped out. When the commander berated the Airman for his slowness and promised punishment, the Airman responded: "Sir, I have no stripes, it is 20 below zero, I'm stationed in Greenland, and I am pumping sewage out of airplanes. Just what are you going to do to punish me?"
I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in. Forget the ships. My lighthouse, my rules...
I was walking through the cemetery the other day when a thought crossed my mind. Call me a sentimental old fool if you like, but I couldn't resist it. I texted my ex saying 'wish you were here'.
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps? A: New Jersey got first pick.
My ex-girlfriend loves the heat. She has a nostalgia for hell.
Four-year-old to her two-year-old sister: "Let's play Christmas. I'll be Santa Claus and you can be a present and I'll give you away."
A man was talking to his wife about going to the social security office. He said he would go the next day. So the next morning he goes but when he gets there he realized he forgot his license and she said that was fine she could tell his age by the hair on his chest. So he opened his shirt and everything went smoothly. He got home and told his wife what happened and she said: "well honey if you would have pulled down your pants you could have filed for disability."
I quit my gym this morning because one of the instructors started shouting at me, "Come on man, you've got to want it! Come on push. You can do it." I hate being disturbed when I'm having a dump.
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
Q: What is the difference between your cock, and your bonus? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!