The best mean jokes

"Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack, I don't have a mansion like Russell, or I don't have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you." "Oh, dear... I love you too... but, what was that you said about Martin?"
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has 74.94 % from 32 votes. More jokes about: love, marriage, mean, money, Valentines day
My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
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has 74.71 % from 47 votes. More jokes about: food, mean, religious, wife
An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin. Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion, there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss. After a few months of this, the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On an impulse, the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't stop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?" And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."
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has 74.43 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: accountant, communication, mean, time, work
A wife who put her husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
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has 74.14 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: husband, mean, sex, wife
French Army rifles for sale – never fired and only dropped once!
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has 74.08 % from 74 votes. More jokes about: ethnic, mean, military, war
I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.
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has 73.93 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: math, mean, school
Q: If Bigamy is having one wife too much, what is Monogamy? A: The Same!
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has 73.89 % from 20 votes. More jokes about: marriage, mean, wife
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
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has 73.80 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: beauty, communication, mean, wife
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
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has 73.74 % from 113 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, mean, party, ugly, women
The young accounting graduate, fresh out of uni and knowing everything, applied for his first job. The prospective employer asked him what starting salary he was looking for. "Oh, around $100,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." "Well, how does this sound? Five weeks annual leave, 22.5% superannuation, paid expenses to overseas conferences every year, home telephone reimbursed and a company car replaced every 20,000 kilometers, say a Mercedes convertible." The graduate sat up straight and tried not to look excited. "Wow. Are you kidding?" "Yeah. But you started it."
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has 73.64 % from 59 votes. More jokes about: accountant, graduation, mean, money, work
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