I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how that it's unfair that if a guy fucks a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl fucks just two guys in a year, she's a slut. So in response, I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock. That shut her up.
A man calls 911 emergency: " Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!" After five minutes, the same man calls back: "It is ok, I found another one."
Parents: "Why are you welcoming guests in your underwear? " Me: "Hated me to take off my underwear."
An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin. Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion, there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss. After a few months of this, the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On an impulse, the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't stop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?" And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."
Q: What did the little black kid get for Christmas? A: My bike.
Autocorrect can kiss my ask!
I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in. Forget the ships. My lighthouse, my rules...
An aching back sent me stumbling to the drugstore for relief. After a search, I found what I was looking for: a selection of heating pads specifically for people with back pain—all on the bottom shelf.
Q: Why do French tanks have rear-view mirrors? A: So they can see the battlefield.
I stopped understanding math when the alphabet decided to get involved.