Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.
The wife and I had come to town to pick up a few things.
We came out of one store and saw a cop writing a ticket for illegal parking right in front of us on the curb.
So we asked him nicely to give a couple of retirees a break.
But he paid us no attention and kept writing.
Just loud enough for him to hear, my wife said, "What a Bozo."
The cop looked up, stared at my wife, then started writing out another ticket.
I said, "Honey, this guy probably just learned to read and write, and he's so proud of himself, he's showing off."
The cop tore off the 2nd ticket and started on a third.
We kept making comments and he kept writing tickets till he was up to about half a dozen.
Finally, glaring at us, the cop left, and we walked on down the street.
We didn't care about the tickets.
We always take the bus into town, and anyway, that car was one of those obnoxious Hummers.
Being retired, we always try to find ways to keep ourselves amused.
We feel it's important.
Vote:
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a lawyer are riding together on a train.
The Russian takes a bottle of the best vodka out of his pack, pours some into a glass, drinks it, and says:
"In Russia, we have the best vodka in the world - nowhere in the world, you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in Ukraine. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
Saying this, he opens the window and throws the rest of the bottle through it.
All the others are quite impressed.
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, unwraps one, lights it, and begins to smoke, saying:
"In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas. Nowhere else in the world produces such a fine cigar, and we have so many of them, that we can just throw them away..."
Saying that he opens the window and throws the pack of Havanas through it.
Once again, everybody is quite impressed.
At this point, the American stands up silently, opens the window, and throws the lawyer through it.
When Chuck Norris comes into your house, you are the guest.
Vote:
A man calls 911 emergency: " Come immediately, my little son has swallowed a condom!"
After five minutes, the same man calls back: "It is ok, I found another one."
French Army rifles for sale – never fired and only dropped once!
I lost 125 pounds.
It took me a long time, and it cost me a lot of money, but I finally divorced the bitch!
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk."
Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
"I'm sorry for throwing red wine over all your dresses in the wardrobe last night," I told my girlfriend. "I've spent all day getting the stains out just to show how much you mean to me."
"Oh, that's really nice," she said. "What did you use to remove the stains?"
"Scissors," I replied.
Vote:
This woman was driving home in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
She stopped the car and asked the woman if she'd like a ride.
The woman thanked her and got in the car.
After a few minutes, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the back seat and asked the driver what was in the bag.
The driver said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman thought for a moment, then said, "Good trade."