The best mean jokes

My girlfriend has incredible sexual skills. I almost had a heart attack when I saw the video!
Vote:
has 72.70 % from 70 votes. More jokes about: dirty, mean, relationship, sex, technology
A lady at a party goes up to Winston Churchill and tells him, "Sir, you are drunk." Churchill replies, "Madam, you are ugly. In the morning, I shall be sober."
Vote:
has 72.66 % from 125 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, mean, party, ugly, women
Most of our music store customers have a story about their old vinyl collection. Once, a man asked how much a record cost. My coworker quoted him the price, then added, "But there's a surcharge if we have to listen to how your mother made you throw out all your old vinyl records."
Vote:
has 72.56 % from 43 votes. More jokes about: customer service, family, mean, money, music
Yo mammas so ugly, when she looked in the mirror, her reflection said," I quit." And walked away.
Vote:
has 72.48 % from 120 votes. More jokes about: communication, mean, ugly, Yo mama
An internal auditor for a manufacturing group was concerned about anomalies in stock levels. He thought someone might be pinching stock but he couldn't prove it. He had his eye on one shifty-looking individual who every day drove his old truck out of the factory with the load covered by a tarpaulin. Time after time the auditor stopped the bloke, made him remove the tarpaulin and then inspected the load. On every occasion, there was only scrap metal in the truck which the driver said he was taking to the tip. On three occasions the auditor made the bloke remove the tarpaulin and then unload the scrap in front of him, suspecting that there might be stolen stock hidden underneath. Nothing. He could never find anything amiss. After a few months of this, the auditor was offered a better job elsewhere and resigned. A few weeks later he was drinking in a pub when the shifty character walked in. On an impulse, the auditor went up to him and said, "Look, I've left the company, I'm not interested in taking it any further and I won't stop you, but I just have to know. What were you taking?" And the bloke said "Tarpaulins."
Vote:
has 72.04 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: accountant, communication, mean, time, work
Husband says: "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me". Wife replied: "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"
Vote:
has 72.04 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: communication, husband, mean, men, wife
I quit my gym this morning because one of the instructors started shouting at me, "Come on man, you've got to want it! Come on push. You can do it." I hate being disturbed when I'm having a dump.
Vote:
has 71.97 % from 89 votes. More jokes about: communication, fitness, gym, mean
"Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?" "My name is Paul."
Vote:
has 71.63 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: family, mean
On the first day of the deer hunting season, a hunter fell out of a deer stand and broke both his legs. "Why couldn't this happen on my last day of hunting?!" the hunter cried to the doctor. "It did," the doctor replied.
Vote:
has 71.63 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: communication, doctor, hunting, mean, time
Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!" Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."
Vote:
has 71.53 % from 50 votes. More jokes about: communication, dirty, mean, men, women