Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps? A: New Jersey got first pick.
Two skunks observed a deer hunter sneaking through the woods with a rifle. "I hope he's not going to shoot at us," said one skunk. The second skunk bowed his head and said, "Let us spray."
Q: What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers? A: They grow taller!
Yo mammas so ugly, when she looked in the mirror, her reflection said," I quit." And walked away.
Autocorrect can kiss my ask!
Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.
I decided to grab a burger at a drive-thru. There were no cars in sight, so I rolled up to the pay window. "We're still serving breakfast. And you have to order at the speaker," the clerk scolded. I drove all the way around the building to the squawk box and ordered a breakfast sandwich. "I'm sorry," she said, "we are now serving lunch."
I lost 125 pounds. It took me a long time, and it cost me a lot of money, but I finally divorced the bitch!
Boy: "Hi, my name is Milk. I'll do your body good." Girl: "Sorry, I'm Lactose intolerant!"
I got so fed up with trick or treaters at Halloween that in the end I turned the lights out and pretended I wasn't in. Forget the ships. My lighthouse, my rules...