A bill collector came to my house the other day, so I gave him a huge stack of old bills.
Q: Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps? A: New Jersey got first pick.
Boy: "Hi, my name is Milk. I'll do your body good." Girl: "Sorry, I'm Lactose intolerant!"
Husband: "Shall we try a different position tonight?" Wife: "That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart."
Q: What happens when you give Viagra to lawyers? A: They grow taller!
My wife's cooking is so bad we usually pray after our food.
"Anton, do you think I'm a bad mother?" "My name is Paul."
If you see me smiling, I'm probably thinking of doing something evil. If I'm laughing, I've already done it.
I decided to grab a burger at a drive-thru. There were no cars in sight, so I rolled up to the pay window. "We're still serving breakfast. And you have to order at the speaker," the clerk scolded. I drove all the way around the building to the squawk box and ordered a breakfast sandwich. "I'm sorry," she said, "we are now serving lunch."
I lost 125 pounds. It took me a long time, and it cost me a lot of money, but I finally divorced the bitch!