The best money jokes

A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help. "If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her. The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."
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has 78.15 % from 137 votes. More jokes about: business, math, money
If you think nobody care if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.
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has 78.15 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: life, money
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
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has 78.15 % from 31 votes. More jokes about: life, money
The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys. The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished. The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note. The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin." The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark. The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing. The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another £5.00 note. Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin." At this stage the priest decides to take action. "Tommy," he says, "that’s twice you’ve called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?" "Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt."
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has 78.15 % from 105 votes. More jokes about: dirty, kids, money, priest, work
Jeff Bezos has invested $42 million to build a huge 500-foot tall underground clock that ticks once per year for 10,000 years. He did this because he overheard his wife talking to a friend, he thought she said she wished he had a larger clock...
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has 78.13 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: business, friendship, money, time, wife
A motorist gets caught in an automated speed trap that photographs his car. He later receives a ticket in the mail for $40 with a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sends the police department a photograph of $40. A few days later, he gets a letter from the police department with a picture of handcuffs.
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has 78.12 % from 72 votes. More jokes about: car, cop, money
I offered a blonde a penny for her thoughts... she gave me change!
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has 78.12 % from 72 votes. More jokes about: blonde, money
Q: What is the difference between your cock, and your bonus? A: Your wife will always blow your bonus!
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has 78.03 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: dirty, mean, money, wife, work
A Rolls Royce pulls up in to an expensive restaurant. A sheik emerges, followed by a harem of women and a rooster. After ordering for himself and his harem, the sheik requests a basket of apples for the rooster. The rooster proceeds to eats three baskets of apples. The waiter asks the sheik about the voracious appetite of the rooster. The sheik explains, "A genie granted me three wishes. My first wish was to have an endless supply of money. My second wish was to have many beautiful women. And my third wish was to have an insatiable cock."
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has 78.01 % from 43 votes. More jokes about: car, food, life, money, women
A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died. The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem. The husband said "ship her home". Shocked, the undertaker asked "but sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money ?" The husband replied "a long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance !"
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has 78.00 % from 66 votes. More jokes about: death, holiday, men, money, wife
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