An almost blind guy walked into a sexy lingerie shop to purchase their most see-through item for his wife.
After receiving some help from the store clerk, he bought a lace teddy for $600 and brought it home for his wife to try on.
She took it upstairs and realized that it didn't quite fit.
But, she figured, since it's supposed to be see-through and since he's almost blind, she might as well wear nothing at all.
So she came downstairs completely naked.
"Huh," said the old man, hugging her.
"For the amount I paid, they could've at least ironed the damn thing."
Vote:
Yo' Mama is so poor, she chases the garbage truck with a grocery list.
When can women make you a millionaire?
When you're a billionaire.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: "How many can you afford?"
Vote:
An airplane was about to crash.
There were 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said, "I am Stephen King , the best selling author of my time... My millions of fans need me , and i can't afford to die."
So he took the 1st pack and left the planernThe 2nd passenger , Barack Hussein Obama, said , "I am the 44th President of the United States, and I am the smartest President in American history , so my people don't want me to die."
He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane.rnThe 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son , I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute."
The little boy said , "That's okay , Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America's smartest President took my schoolbag."
Why do Jews watch porn backwards?
Because their favorite part is when the hooker gives the money back.
The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys.
The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.
The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.
The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another £5.00 note.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin."
At this stage the priest decides to take action.
"Tommy," he says, "that’s twice you’ve called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?"
"Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt."
A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm.
He asks an attorney:
"If I give you $300 to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?"
The attorney replies: "Sure, what's the other question?"
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.
The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100."
The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
Q: What's the best way of investing your money?
A: Alcohol, where else do you get 40%?