The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys.
The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.
The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.
The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another £5.00 note.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin."
At this stage the priest decides to take action.
"Tommy," he says, "that’s twice you’ve called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?"
"Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt."
A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm.
He asks an attorney:
"If I give you $300 to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?"
The attorney replies: "Sure, what's the other question?"
A guy is sitting in a bar; absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress.
Using the time-honoured icebreaker, he sends her a drink.
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him.
They strike up a wonderful conversation.
Finally, the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you will ply out of me with liquor."
He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straightforward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."
"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.
"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.
After Graduating from High School, David moves away from home to study at University.
One of his letters home reads:
Dear Father,
University i$ really great.
I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply ¢an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
After receiving his son's letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear David,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Me: I just bought Tupacs of Eminems for 50 Cents.
Friend: That's Ludacris. How Kanye West your money like that?
How do you find the population of Mexico?
roll a penny down the street
How do you find the richest person in Mexico?
SEE WHO GOT THE PENNY!
Once there was a farmer.
He had two teenage sons.
This farmer had just inherited some of money from his brother's recent death.
He couldn't decide which son he could send to college, since he could only afford to send one.
This farmer also had two ducks.
These ducks were retarded.
They were only two ducks on the farm that weren't normal.
He told his sons that whoever could get the most money for the duck would go to college.
The sons went out in attempt to collect as much money as they could.
The first son was walking down the street when he passed a man working in the yard.
The man asked him if the duck was for sale, for the man loved the taste of ducks.He offered the son 10 dollars for his duck. The son decided this was very good, so he took it.
He decided his brother wouldn't be able to get close to his success.
The second son was walking and passed a whorehouse.
He went in and said that he didn't have any money, but he would give them the duck.
One girl said fine.
After they f**ked, she decided that she didn't want the duck anymore.
The son said he would take the duck back if they f**ked again.
She agreed.
After they f**ked the second time, the son left.
He was walking home, thinking about what to do with the duck when it broke the leash.
The duck ran out into the street and was hit by a car.
The lady that hit it jumped from her car and started apologizing profusely.
The son insisted it was ok, but the lady said she would pay for the duck.
She was in a hurry, so she gave him 25 dollars and sped off.
When the sons got home, the farmer asked the first son what he got.
He proudly displayed the 10 dollars.
The farmer was impressed.
He asked the second son the same thing.
"That's nothing.
I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and 25 dollars for a f**ked up duck."
A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said, "You cannot do this, I'm a congressman!"
The thief replied, "In that case, give me MY money!"
A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks him “What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?”
The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, “A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street.”
Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint Peter said, “Well , that’s fine, but it’s not really quite enough to get you into Heaven.”
The Lawyer said, “Wait Wait! There’s more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter.”
Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, “Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?”
Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,
“Let’s give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell.”
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.