An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we’re confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I’m ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
Q: What's the best way of investing your money? A: Alcohol, where else do you get 40%?
Q: Why is a blood bank more profitable than a sperm bank? A: The sperm is handmade.
One night, Murphy was walking home when, all of a sudden, a thief jumped on him. Murphy and the thief began to wrestle. They rolled about on the ground and Murphy put up a tremendous fight. However, the thief managed to get the better of him and pinned him to the ground. The thief then went through Murphy’s pockets and searched him. All the thief could find on Murphy was 25 cents. The thief was so surprised at this that he asked Murphy why he had bothered to fight so hard for 25 cents. "Was that all you wanted?" Murphy replied, "I thought you were after the five hundred dollars I’ve got in me shoe!"
A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million." The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million." The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi Cowboy!"
I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.
All three sit down at the bar. The bartender looks at the man and says, "What'll ya have?" The man says, "Gimme a beer." The ostrich says, "I'll have one too." The cat says, "I want two beers, but I'm only gonna pay half price." The bartender serves up four beers, and tells the man, "that'll be $12.67." The man reaches in his pocket and without even looking sets exact change down on the bar. After they finish their beers, the bartender asks, "anything else?" The man says, "Gimme a shot of bourbon." The ostrich says, "I'll have one too." The cat says, "I want a double bourbon, but I'm only gonna pay half price." The bartender serves them and says, "That's $14.03." The man reaches into his pocket and without even looking again sets exact change on the bar. After that round, the bartender says, "What else will ya have?" The man says, "I need a Jack and Coke." The ostrich says, "Me too!" The cat says, "I want two Jack and Cokes, and I'm only paying..." "Half price, I know," says the bartender. He sets them up and says, "$16.38, please." The man reaches in his pocket a third time, and again sets exact change on the bar without counting it out. The bartender asks the man, "How is it that every time you pay for your drink order, you can set exact change on the bar without looking?" The man says, "Well, some years ago I was walking on the beach in Egypt, and I found a magic lamp in the sand. I rubbed it, and a genie appeared and granted me three wishes for setting him free. So, with the first wish, I wished that no matter what I ever wanted to buy, I would always have exact change for it in my pocket." The bartender says, "That's brilliant! Most people would wish for a million or five million or whatever. This way, you'll never run out of money, you don't have to worry about carrying it, and you'll never be robbed! Absolutely brilliant." The man says, "I know, and thank you!" The bartender says, "So what did you ask for with your other two wishes?" The man said "A chick with long legs and a tight pussy."
It can buy a House But not a Home It can buy a Bed But not Sleep It can buy a Clock But not Time It can buy you a Book But not Knowledge It can buy you a Position But not Respect It can buy you Medicine But not Health It can buy you Blood But not Life So you see, Money isn't everything. And it often causes pain and suffering. I tell you all this because I am your Friend, and as your Friend I want totake away your pain and suffering... So send me all your money and I will suffer for you. A more true Friend you will never find.
Q: Why do economists exist? A: So accountants have someone to laugh at.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb? A: "How many can you afford?"