Q: What do you call the ashes of a white person in a jar? A: A jar of mayonnaise.
If you see the Blue Screen of Death on your laptop... it's because Chuck Norris found out you were reading Chuck Norris jokes.
Yo momma so fat she thought planet earth was her stomach.
Q: What's worse than ants in your pants? A: Uncle.
I love the lines the men use to get us into bed: "Please, I'll only put it in for a minute." What am I...? A microwave?
Women need a reason to have sex - men just need a place.
Q: The male sex has two hobbies. What are they? A: His left hand and his right hand.
Yo momma so fat that when she was seated in the last row, the plane couldn't get off the ground.
My skydiving instructor would always take the time to answer any of our stupid first-timer questions. One guy asked, "If our chute doesn't open, and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have until we hit the ground?" Our jump master looked at him and in perfect deadpan and answered, "The rest of your life."
This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!