New jokes

Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample." Old man to his wife: "What did she say?" Wife to husband: "They want your underwear."

My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel. You should see my my dates' faces when I tell them I'm a bus driver!

The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"

Husband: "When I die, I'd like to die making love." Wife: "At least we know it'll be quick!"

The woman opposite the road from me called me a pervert earlier, I don't know why! Knowing she likes bird watching I asked her if she'd like to come over and have a look at my twelve finches.

There were two nuns. One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL). It was getting dark and they are far away from the convent. SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants. SL: It's logical. He wants to make love to us. SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do? SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster. A little while later… SM: It's not working. SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too. SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute. SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way He cannot follow us both. The man decided to follow Sister Logical. Sister Mathematical arrived at the convent and was worried about what has happened to Sister Logical. Then Sister Logical arrived. SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened! SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then? SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could. SM: And? SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me. SM: Oh, dear! What did you do? SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up. SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do? SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants SM: Oh, no! What happened then? SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants dow

Wedding night confession Husband: Before we married, I slept with many prostitutes, Wife: I knew I met you before..

Men and women can be friends without any sex involved. It's called marriage.

"Grandpa, grandpa! I'm watching a soccer game!" Grandpa: "Who's playing?" Grandson: "Austria-Hungary." Grandpa: "Against who?"

Breaking news: A man was admitted to the hospital today with 23 plastic toy horses inserted in his rectum. Doctors have described his condition as stable.