New jokes

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, "It's going to rain." His wife asked, "How do you know?" "Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

Two chess players were in a hotel lobby, bragging to each other about their recent victories. The manager comes over, "Could you go to your rooms now, please?" "Why?!" "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her fitness trainer. Me: "Okay, this isn't working out."

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, "Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!" I said, "This trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter."

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time. "I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings." "That's wonderful," the artist exclaimed. "What's the bad news?" "The guy was your doctor..."

A cop just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs were chasing people on bikes. My dogs don't even own bikes.

Received a call from a recruitment lady. She said to me: "Sir I have two openings for you." Me: "Yes I Know." *Awkward silence* She: "Asshole" Me: "I prefer the other one."

What's the difference between a police officer and a bullet? When a bullet kills someone else, you know it's been fired.

I never wanted to believe my brother was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 6 year old son wasn't actually mine. She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.