*BOOM* Mum shouts: "What was that?" Me: "My coat fell." Mum: "It sounded a lot heavier than that!" Me: "I was in it."
What do you call a young army? Infantry.
Knock knock. Who's there? The interrupting cow. Interrupting cow wh- Moooooo!
Mom! I'm a 3D printer! Oh come on, Tommy, close the door when you poop.
Would you like to hear a construction joke? [Yes] Well I'm still working on it.
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer's and diarrhea. You're running, but can't remember where.
Doctor: You have a disease, but we can treat it. Patient: What's the Cure? Doctor: It's an 80s rock band fronted by Robert Smith, but let's try to stay focused...
My nephew told me when he grows up, he wants to be a pizza delivery guy, or a pool skimmer. I need to tell my bro to do a better job at hiding his porn.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I'm serious that Israeli how he does it.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other? You've got a lot of balls walking in here dressed like that.
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