Gmail: Someone has signed into your account! Me: Yeah that was me Gmail: No it was on another device! Me: Yes my tablet Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?! Me: What? No! Gmail: Call the police
My wife stormed into the pub last night as me and the boys were downing shots of Tequila. "You're coming home now!" she screamed. "No, I'm not," I laughed. She said, "I'm talking to the kids."
[ancient greece] Teacher: "What have you all chosen for your thesis?" Hippocrates: "I'm laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine." Socrates: "I am examining what it means to be." Ptolemy: "Uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear?"
Spider: Why are you terrified by me? Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus she noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The young man replied, Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, "The Double Mint Twins are coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, "Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident", I just lost it. "CASE DISMISSED!"
Me: I just burned 2000 calories in 20 minutes. Friend: How? Me: I forgot to take my brownies out of the oven.
Me: How do I unsubscribe so I don't get your emails any more? Boss: What?
[first day as a pilot] Control tower: What's your location? Me: I'm in the cockpit. Control tower: I mean where is the airplane? Me: Mainly behind me.
[first day as a pilot] Control tower: What are your coordinates? Me: I'm by a cloud that looks like a lion. Control tower: Can you be more specific? Me: Simba
A drunk guy is sitting at a bar by himself one night and throws up all over the front of his shirt. "Oh great, my wife is going to kill me," he mumbles to himself. The guy sitting next to him sees what has happened and leans over towards him, "Hey buddy, just put a twenty dollar bill in your shirt pocket and when you get home tell your wife the guy sitting next to you threw up on you and he gave you $20 to get your shirt cleaned." Completely inebriated the drunk man thanks his new friend and puts a twenty in his shirt pocket and heads for home. As soon as he walks through the front door his wife becomes irate and starts yelling at him, "Where have you been? you're completely drunk and you're a mess. Look at yourself, you puked all over the front of your shirt." Completely wasted and slurring his words he explains to the wife, "No no, the guy sitting next to me threw up on my shirt and he gave me $20 to get it cleaned. Look, it's right here in my shirt pocket." The wife reaches into his pocket and pulls out the money, "There's $40 in here." "Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too."
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