Wife: I want to donate my clothes to people who are starving.
Husband: Anyone who fits into your clothes is surely not starving.
"Will you marry me?" Is a marriage proposal.
"Will, You, Mary, Me" is a foursome proposal.
You know when donkey followed Shrek home and just kept talking?
That's what it's like having kids.
Nobody is born cool. Except of course, dead babies.
"Do you know what the difference is between toilet paper and a shower curtain?"
"No"
"So, it was you!"
Nurse: "We need a stool sample and a urine sample."
Old man to his wife: "What did she say?"
Wife to husband: "They want your underwear."
My Tinder bio says that I have a corner office with views of the entire city, drive a $500,000 vehicle, and I'm paid to travel.
You should see my my dates' faces when I tell them I'm a bus driver!
The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage.
She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns.
I look at the therapist and said, "Divorce is strong with this one!"
Vote:
Husband: "When I die, I'd like to die making love."
Wife: "At least we know it'll be quick!"
The woman opposite the road from me called me a pervert earlier, I don't know why!
Knowing she likes bird watching I asked her if she'd like to come over and have a look at my twelve finches.
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