The pentagon said they had too many generals running around, so they decided to get rid of some of them. They offered $10,000 in severance pay for each inch of their body to be measured however they chose. The Air Force general went first. He said he wanted to be measured from his head to his toe. He was 69 inches. He received $690,000. Next up was the Army general. He wanted to be measured from the tip of his finger to the tip of his other finger. It was 80 inches. He received $800,000. The two generals were very happy with their earnings. Finally the Marine general came up. He said he wanted to be measured from the tip of his d**k to the tip of his balls. The man said, "Sir, do you know how much the other generals received?" The general said no. "Sir, they received $690,000 and $800,000 respectively, are you sure that is what you want measured?" The general said, "Just do it!" The man dropped the general's pants and measured his d**k. When he went for the general's balls, they weren't there. The man said, "Sir, where are your balls." The general said, "I left them back in Vietnam."
The winner of tonight's election is the Voyager space probe which is currently traveling at 62,137 km per hour away from the Earth into interstellar space.
If Chuck Norris were president, he would protect the secret service.
I was eating and enjoying my food when a man entered into the restaurant where i was eating with a brief case. I guess he is a politician cause his dressing and pot belly portrays it. He walked and sat down as every body looked at him. Suddenly a woman came to him and started crying. The woman knelt down and told him that her children die of hunger since her husband died. This man opened the brief case and gave this woman five thousand dollars. The woman jumped up and left the scene in happiness. I was still watching when another man started crying and came to him. He knelt down and begged him that he need a money to establish a business. This man brought out three hundred thousand dollars cheque and gave it to this man. This time, i started murmuring and practicing on the lie i will blow to have my own national cake. I started crying and came to the man. Immediately i knelt down, I heard "Cut! cut! cut!". I turned and saw the laughing director of the movie. Shame almost killed me.
President George W. Bush decides it is time to do some public relations at a local Washington DC nursing home. The President begins his "tour" down the main hallway and passes by a little old man who doesn't seem to notice him. Sensing this, President Bush backtracks to the resident and asks, "Do you know who I am?" The little old man looks up from his walker and says, "No, but if you go to the front desk, they will tell you your name."
At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question. “Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated. The witness still did not respond. Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.” “Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”
The last person to enter parliament with honest intentions was Guy Fawkes on 5th November 1605.
When Einstein died and arrived at the gates of heaven, St. Peter wouldn’t let him in until he proved his identity. Einstein scribbled out a couple of his equations, and was admitted into paradise. And when Picasso died, St. Peter asked, “How do I know you’re Picasso?” Picasso sketched out a couple of his masterpieces. St. Peter was convinced and let him in. When George W. Bush died, he went to heaven and met the man at the gates. “How can you prove to me you’re George W. Bush?” Saint Peter said. Bush replied, “Well heck, I don’t know.” St. Peter says, “Well, Albert Einstein showed me his equations and Picasso drew his famous pictures. What can you do to prove you’re George W. Bush?” Bush replies, “Who are Albert Einstein and Picasso?” St. Peter says, “It must be you, George, c’mon on in.”
An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger said, "I am President Obama, the chosen one. The world needs me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first parachute and left the plane. The second passenger, Julia Gillard, said, "I am the prime Minister of Australia and I am the smartest woman in Australian history, so Australia's people don't want me to die." She took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, John Kerry, said, "I'm a Senator, and a decorated war hero from the Army of the United States of America ." So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped. The fourth passenger, ex-President George W. Bush, said to the fifth passenger, a 10-year-old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr. President. There's a parachute left for you. Australia's smartest woman took my schoolbag."
It was a celebratory mood with the boys at NASA; they had just made the scientific achievement of a lifetime. As they were uncorking a bottle of champagne, Dr. Lowenstein, the head scientist at NASA, asked everyone to be quiet as he had received a congratulatory phone call from the President of the United States. He picked up a special red phone, and spoke into it. "Mr. President," said Dr. Lowenstein, grinning broadly, "after twelve years of hard research and billions of dollars spent, we have finally found intelligent life on Mars." He listened for a second, and his smile gradually disappeared, replaced by a frown. He said, "But that’s impossible... we could never do it. Yes Mr. President,” and hung up the phone. He addressed the crowd of scientists staring at him curiously. "I have some bad news," he said, "the President said that now that we’ve found intelligent life on Mars... he wants us to try to find it in Congress."