An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."
Me: "I'm so lonely." Person: "Hey!" Me: "Leave me alone."
I've asked my girlfriend to polish my medieval battle uniform while I go to the pub. She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.
Half dressed redneck couple sitting on a couch watching the news on TV with man's arm around the woman. The man says "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. "We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. " "Right, Darlin." The woman replies, "That's right, Daddy."
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will fall asleep before you finish. Happy Valentine's Day.
Mike: "Hey Joe. My girl friend always gets offended whenever I tell her jokes about bald people." Joe: "Is your girl friend bald?" Mike: "No. She"s a blonde."
Him: "I'm going to come and see you, I don't care about the gas prices or anything I'm coming to no matter what." Her: "Aw okay, I'm going to get ready." Him: "I love you, I can't wait to see you, I'm getting ready to leave." Her: "Okay honey, I'm on my period, just letting you know." Him: "My car just blew up, I can't come see you." Her: "Get your friend to bring you, he always does." Him: "He got shot I can't come, sorry." Her: "Never mind I'm not on my period, my panties are just red." Him: "My boy said he is okay, he's going to take me, I'm going." Her: "I'm really on my period." Him: "Damn! He got shot again..."
Man comes home from work to find his boyfriend whacking off into a condom. Man says, "WTF?" Boyfriend says, "I am making you a sack lunch!"
5 stages of being single: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, texting your ex something random then going like "sorry wrong message".
Q:Why did the computer lose its trust relationship with the domain? A:Because it was corrupted in active directory and needed to be removed and re-added again!