Q: What's the difference between the first honeymoon and the second? A: First honeymoon, Niagara. Second honeymoon, Viagra.
Q: What food diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%? A: Her wedding cake.
Sue and Sally were discussing their sex lives. Sue said, "Mine's OK. We get it on every week, but it's no big adventure. How's yours?" Sally replied, "It's great ever since we got into S&M." Sue was surprised. "Really, Sally, I never would have guessed that you'd go for that." "Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."
A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife. After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, “Mary. Mary.” “Is that you, Fred?” “Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.” “What’s it like?” “Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast, off to the golf course, I have sex, I bathe in the sun, and then I have sex twice. I have lunch, another romp around the golf course, then sex pretty much all afternoon. After supper, golf course again. Then have sex until late at night. The next day it starts again.” “Oh, Fred you surely must be in heaven.” “Not exactly, I’m a sheep in Wales.”
A man in Amsterdam feels the need to confess, so he goes to his priest. "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a refugee in my attic." "Well," answers the priest, "that's not a sin."' "But I made him agree to pay me 20 guilders for every week he stayed." "I admit that wasn't good, but you did it for a good cause." "Oh, thank you, Father. That eases my mind. I have one more question." "What is that, my son?" "Do I have to tell him the war is over?"
After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman’s nightstand by the bed. He begins to worry. "Is this your husband?" he nervously asks. "No, silly," she replies, snuggling up to him. "Your boyfriend, then?" he continues. "No, not at all," she says, nibbling away at his ear. "Is it your dad or your brother?" he inquires, hoping to be reassured. "No, no, no! You are so hot when you’re jealous!" she answers. "Well, who in the hell is he, then?" he demands. She whispers in his ear: "That’s me before the surgery."
A guy goes out one day, hunting for bear. After a few hours in the forest, he finally sees a giant grizzly. He gets the bear in the rifle's sight and is about to pull the trigger when he feels a tap on his shoulder. It's another bear. 'Buddy,' the bear says, 'that's my best friend down there. I can rip your head off right now, or you can suck my dick. What's it gonna be?' Fearing for his life, the hunter says 'I'll suck your dick, Mr. Bear.' The next day, hungry for revenge, the hunter returns to the woods and sees the same bear. But as soon as he lines up the bear in his sights, he feels a tap on his shoulder. 'Buddy,' says the bear. 'Today, I can rip your head off or you can fuck me in the ass.' Again fearing for his life, the hunter replies, 'I'll fuck you in the ass Mr.Bear.' The next day, furious at what has happened to him, the hunter returns to the forest in order to kill same bear. Once again, he gets the bear in his rifle sights when he feels a tap on his shoulder. The bear shakes his head at the hunter and says, 'You don't come here for the hunting do you?'
A lady says to the psychiatrist, "I think I might be a nymphomaniac." He says, "I'll see what I can do to help you. My fee is eighty dollars an hour." She says, "How much for all night?"
A man and his wife were having sex one night in there bedroom. There little boy opens the door and says "Daddy what are you doing to mama?" Then the daddy says "Making you a little sister" And then the boy replies "Hell no do it doggy style I want a puppy."
A businessman was flying on a plane surrounded by hundreds of kids. A lady went and sat down next to him. She asked, "Are these all your kids?" The man replied, "No, I just work at a condom factory, these are all the complaints".