The best time jokes

Yo mama so fat when she tossed in her sleep she woke up in another time zone.
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has 71.80 % from 121 votes. More jokes about: fat, insulting, time, Yo mama
I lost 125 pounds. It took me a long time, and it cost me a lot of money, but I finally divorced the bitch!
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has 71.63 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: divorce, mean, money, time
Q: What does it mean if you were born in September? A: That your parents started the new year with a bang!
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has 71.59 % from 108 votes. More jokes about: birthday, dirty, new year, sex, time
What did the egg say to the boiling water? "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago."
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has 71.52 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: food, life, time
It only rains twice a year in Seattle: August through April and May through July.
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has 71.52 % from 23 votes. More jokes about: geography, time, weather
It's a really hot day and this penguin is having car trouble, so he takes it into a garage. The penguin asks, "How long will it be?" The mechanic says, "Just a few minutes." So the penguin decides to go get an ice cream at the grocery store across the street. When the penguin gets there he climbs inside the big freezer door and starts to eat ice cream. Three hours go by before the penguin looks at his watch and jumps out of the freezer and races back to the garage. With ice cream all over his face and his stomach he says, "So, how's my car?" The mechanic comes walking out wiping his hands on a rag and says, "Looks like you blew a seal." The penguin says, "No, no, no, I was just eating ice cream."
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has 71.45 % from 75 votes. More jokes about: animal, car, disgusting, mechanic, time
I spotted several pairs of men's Levi's at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head. "I'm still wearing the 33s," he said. "Come back next year."
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has 71.15 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: communication, customer service, fat, time
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a donkey walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the donkey's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a miracle!" "Not really," said the donkey. "Your name is written inside the cover."
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has 71.07 % from 78 votes. More jokes about: animal, bible, cowboy, time
An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted "God help me!", and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze. A voice from the heavens boomed "You say you don't believe in me, but now you're asking for my help?" The atheist looked up and said, "Well, ten seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness Monster either."
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has 70.94 % from 125 votes. More jokes about: atheist, god, time
On the first day of the deer hunting season, a hunter fell out of a deer stand and broke both his legs. "Why couldn't this happen on my last day of hunting?!" the hunter cried to the doctor. "It did," the doctor replied.
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has 70.92 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: communication, doctor, hunting, mean, time
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