The best time jokes

My blonde girlfriend went to the doctors this morning and was told she had two weeks to live. She chose last week and this week.
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has 69.85 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: blonde, death, life, stupid, time
My dotor told me: "I've tow news for U; one good and the other one bad, which one do U prefer to hear first?" I replied I prefer the good one. Doctor: "U will die after next 24 hours!" I told: "Then what is the bad newsrnDoctor: "I forgot to tell U yesterday!"
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has 69.73 % from 82 votes. More jokes about: communication, death, doctor, life, time
Patient: "I have spent 80% of my life’s savings on doctors." Doctor: "Why didn’t you come to me earlier?"
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has 69.55 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: doctor, life, money, time
Q: How long does it take for a workplace bully to come up with a patentable new invention? A: It depends: If the designer's desk drawer is locked, about 5 minutes, otherwise, under a minute.
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has 69.31 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: black humor, mean, time, vulgar, work
I do two hours of cardio every day. But I still need to find the closest parking spot to the gym.
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has 69.31 % from 38 votes. More jokes about: car, fitness, gym, time
The buzzword of this election is "CHANGE." Candidates toss it around without saying what they want to change to. Just that we need CHANGE! This brings to mind the following illustration... Years ago, there was an old tale in the Marine Corps about a lieutenant who inspected his Marines and told the "Gunny" that they smelled bad. The lieutenant suggested that they change their underwear. The "Gunny" responded, "Aye, aye, sir. I'll see to it immediately." He went into the tent and said, "The lieutenant thinks you guys smell bad, and he wants you to change your underwear. Smith, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, Brown, you change with Schultz..." "Change, now get on with it!" And the moral is: A candidate may promise change in Washington... but the stink remains!
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has 69.28 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: communication, life, military, political, time
I'm going trick or treating with my mum tonight. It's the only time I can take her out as she's been dead for ten years.
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has 69.28 % from 46 votes. More jokes about: black humor, death, family, Halloween, time
Suzy asked her big sister Samantha how babies are made. Samantha explains it to her. "I still don't get it? Can you show me." Suzy says. "OK. Tonight, I will let you watch will my boyfriend, Jack and I screw." That night, Jack laid Samantha 5 times but Suzy still didn't understand. The next night Jack was tired of Suzy watching so he offered to have sex with her. "OK but I don't want Samantha to watch" So Samantha went outside. They are in there for almost an hour and when they come out Jack is smiling like crazy. "That was fun but I still don't get it." Says Suzy The next day the same thing happened. And the next day. Finally 2 weeks later Samantha comes home crying. "Whats wrong," Suzy says. "Jack dumped me. He said there was someone better." Said Samantha. "Let's go talk to him maybe we can change his mind," said Suzy. When they got there Jack said he made up his mind and there was nothing they could do to change it. Then he asked to speak to Suzy privately. He pulled off all of Suzy's clothes and started to screw her. "OK," Jack said kissing Suzy's neck "I broke up with Samantha now tell me how you got to be so good in bed." "Fine." She replied, "I asked all my other sisters how babies are made."
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has 69.11 % from 84 votes. More jokes about: baby, kids, sex, stupid, time
A ragged individual stranded for several months on a small desert island in the middle of the Pacific Ocean one day noticed a bottle lying in the sand with a piece of paper in it. "Due to lack of maintenance," he read, "we regretfully have found it necessary to cancel your e-mail account."
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has 68.97 % from 61 votes. More jokes about: desert island, IT, time
Q: What's long and hard and full of semen? A: A submarine.
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has 68.65 % from 90 votes. More jokes about: dirty, time
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