The best time jokes

Roses are red lemons are sour. Open your legs and give me an hour.
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has 65.83 % from 102 votes. More jokes about: dirty, food, poems, sex, time
A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets in, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank." The passenger asks "Who?"  The cabbie says "Frank Feldman. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Frank every single time." Passenger: "Yeah. But there are always a few clouds over everybody."  Cabbie says "Not Frank. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star, and you should have heard him play the piano." The passenger replies "Sounds like he was something really special"  Cab driver responds "There's more... he had a mind like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out." Passenger: "Wow, some incredible guy"  The cabbie goes "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me. I always seem to get stuck in them." "Passenger: "Mmm, there's not many like him around."  Cabbie: "And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. And he's never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"  Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank." Passenger: "Then how do you know so much about him?" Cabbie: "I married his fucking widow..."
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has 65.80 % from 82 votes. More jokes about: car, computer, golf, marriage, time
Chuck Norris one checked the Library of Congress for typos during his lunch hour.
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has 65.80 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, time
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman. "What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?" said the officer. "I'm going to a lecture." the man said. "And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?" the cop asked. "My wife." said the man.
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has 65.57 % from 37 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, car, cop, time, wife
On the first day of the deer hunting season, a hunter fell out of a deer stand and broke both his legs. "Why couldn't this happen on my last day of hunting?!" the hunter cried to the doctor. "It did," the doctor replied.
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has 65.48 % from 26 votes. More jokes about: communication, doctor, hunting, mean, time
I've spent the past two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer... but no one will do it.
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has 65.19 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: relationship, time, women
Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week? A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.
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has 65.16 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: blonde, stupid, time, work
I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.
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has 65.16 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: time, work
A man comes home alone from work. Suddenly he hears this voice saying: "Now its time to quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Las Vegas." He doesn't pay much attention to it but after a week hearing the same voice, he thinks ok! He quits his job, sells his house, withdraws all his money and goes to Vegas. The moment he steps out of the plane the voice tells him "Find the nearest casino!" He enters a casino and the voice says: " Go to the roulette-table and put all your money on 17 black! He complies and the croupier spins the wheel and says "Rien ne va plus" 21 RED! And then the voice goes "Damn!"
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has 65.16 % from 22 votes. More jokes about: game, money, time, travel, work
Chuck Norris can literally kill time.
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has 64.88 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, time
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