Teacher: What happened in 1869?
Student: Mahatma Gandhi was born.
Teacher: What happened in 1873?
Student: Gandhi was four years old 
A young man decided after 4 years of working nonstop at a decent paying job and saving the bulk of his earnings that perhaps it was time to settle down.
He called up an old girlfriend from his high school days and she answered on the first ring.
As they spoke and reminisced about old times she said to him "Wow, this has been great, I've really enjoyed speaking with you, but I must ask, where on earth did you find my number?"
To which he replied "Honestly? I'm just as surprised as you are, I have been working as a jani tor in our old high school and just happened to see your number etched into the door of a boys bathroom stall! I'm amazed you still have the same number after all these years!"
And she responded "Well, how else was I supposed to keep in touch with all the boys I used to sleep with?"
Vote:
The economy got very bad in 2008.
I saw a pimp driving a beat up old Volkswagon.
Q: Why do Republican tax cuts always expire in ten years or less?
A: They want to make them thirty but keep running out of fingers.
Vote:
"Excuse me, how do I get to the hospital quickly?"
"Just stand in the middle of the road for a while."
Vote:
Got home from the pub at 3'o clock this morning.
The wife was waiting at the door with a rolling pin.
I said to her, "what are you doing..baking..at this time of the night" ?
Single and ready to get nervous around anyone I find attractive.
Yo mama so fat she needed two wrist watches cause shes in two time zones.
Terrorists take a group of lawyers hostage.
They ask for a ransom of $20 million and threaten to release one lawyer at a time if not given what they ask for.
"My wife drives like thunder."
"So fast?"
"No, every minute she strikes a tree."