Q: Why should you keep a blonde on the job 7 days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them every Monday.
I always arrive late to work, but I make up for it by leaving early.
A man comes home alone from work.
Suddenly he hears this voice saying: "Now its time to quit your job, sell your house, take your money and go to Las Vegas."
He doesn't pay much attention to it but after a week hearing the same voice, he thinks ok!
He quits his job, sells his house, withdraws all his money and goes to Vegas.
The moment he steps out of the plane the voice tells him "Find the nearest casino!"
He enters a casino and the voice says: " Go to the roulette-table and put all your money on 17 black!
He complies and the croupier spins the wheel and says "Rien ne va plus"
21 RED!
And then the voice goes "Damn!"
How are women and linoleum floors alike?
You lay them right the first time and you can walk all over them for the next 20 years.
Yo momma's so old if she were a car it would be time to roll back her odometer.
Marley stopped at the town barbershop for a haircut.
After thirty-five minutes of snipping and cutting, the barber held a mirror behind Marley's head.
"How you like it?" asked the barber.
"Real fine," said the redneck. "But how 'bout making it a little longer in the back?"
A woman goes to a doctor, doctor, I'm tired of life, want to finish my life, what is best to kill myself?
The doctor says: "Should yourself 5 cm under your breast, you will be dead!"
2 weeks later, woman back at doctors, what happened?
I shot myself into my knee.
Chuck Norris's Birthday is October 32th.
Chuck Norris updates his DNA every 5 minutes.
A time paradox was invented when Chuck Norris went back in time to raise himself.
Now he has provoked the event 2012.