I know an archaeologist who can tell you what period a tampon was from.
Q: If a cowboy rides into town on Friday and three days later leaves on Friday, how does he do it? A: The horse's name is Friday!
Q: Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet? A: Because they can't stop saving their work.
In year 1272 Arabics invented the condom, using a goat's lower intestine. In year 1873 the British somewhat reinvented the condom by taking it out of the goat first.
Remember my name, because you'll be screaming it later!
Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local strip club for his birthday. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual lap dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. His wife starts screaming at him. The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!"
A teenager is a hopeless romantic who never falls in love more then twice a week.
Dad: "Who do you think the committee screwed this year?" Me: "Mom."
The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
Scientists called it a big bang, Chuck Norris called it an alarm clock.