The longer I stay at home, the more homeless I look.
Q: Did you know that they had automobiles in Jesus' time? A:Yes, the Bible says that the disciples were all of one Accord.
Q: If a cowboy rides into town on Friday and three days later leaves on Friday, how does he do it? A: The horse's name is Friday!
Q: Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet? A: Because they can't stop saving their work.
I know an archaeologist who can tell you what period a tampon was from.
A random communist leader hears about a man making jokes about him. He organizes a feast and calls the man. Leader: "This is how all meals will look in the future!" Man: (looks for a few seconds at the leader then says): "I thought I was the one around with the jokes."
The office Christmas party is a great opportunity to catch up with people you haven't seen for 20 minutes.
Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
Dave's wife thinks that he is pushing himself too hard, so she takes him to a local strip club for his birthday. The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave! How are ya?" His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team." They sit and a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual. His wife is becoming uncomfortable and says, "You must come here a lot for that woman to know what you drink." "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes with them." A stripper comes over to their table and throws her arms around Dave. "Hi, Davey," she says, "Want your usual lap dance?" Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. His wife starts screaming at him. The cabbie turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real doozy this time, Dave!"
Gee, that's a nice set of legs, what time do they open?