Chuck Norris one checked the Library of Congress for typos during his lunch hour.
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It's 4:04.
Do you know where your auditor is?
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Q: How do you fix a woman’s watch?
A: You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.
The world won't end in 2012, it will end when Chuck Norris gets bored of it.
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There are three men on a desert island: Genius, Smart, and Idiot.
Genius has concluded that at least one man must swim to shore and get help.
Genius volunteered himself, as he is the most likely to get remember to get help.
Genius, not being very athletic, swam halfway to safety and then drowned.
Days later, Smart finally realized Genius drowned.
Smart then decided it was his turn to swim and get help.
Idiot agreed because he didn't know what was happening.
Smart, not being very athletic, swam three quarte rs of the way to safety and drowned.
Days later, Idiot decided it must his turn to swim.
He also did not know what his goal was.
Idiot, not having very much intelligence, swam halfway to safety, felt tired, so he swam back to the island he was stranded on.
Q: What's the difference between your wife and your job?
A: After 10 years the job still sucks.
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Three old men were sitting on a porch.
"I wish I could take a healthy piss," said one.
"I wish I could take a healthy crap," said another.
"I can take a crap at 6 AM and a piss at 11 AM. I just wish I could get up before noon."
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I have got a new dog.
We have trained together for two months and imagine, after these two months I was able to reach him my paw and managed even barking around on command.
My dog can be proud of myself.
Q: How many University Graduates does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but it may take up to seven years!
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A deer hunter was bragging about the biggest, baddest, handsomest, heaviest deer he'd bagged the day before.
"It's got enough meat to eat the whole year," he boasted.
Just then the Game Warden came up and cited the man $500 for hunting without the proper tag.
"Five-hundred dollars?" exclaimed the hunter.
"All for a mangy, skinny, stubby, half-pint deer?"