Why did the potato cross the road? He saw a fork up ahead.
Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." One year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't." Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."
Why did the cow jump over the moon? To get to the Milky Way!
Q: Why do liberals travel in threes? A: One to read, one to write and the other one to keep an eye on both intellectuals.
The bartender said "Sorry,we don't serve time travelers." Two time travelers walk into a bar.
NASA is negotiating with Chuck Norris about using his roundhouse kick as a propulsion to get to Mars.
Half dressed redneck couple sitting on a couch watching the news on TV with man's arm around the woman. The man says "Lookit them homo-sekshuls a ruining the sanctity of our institution. "We oughta go to San Francisco just to show them liberals that marriage means one man, one woman. " "Right, Darlin." The woman replies, "That's right, Daddy."
"My wife drives like thunder." "So fast?" "No, every minute she strikes a tree."
Male walks into a bar with a lump of concrete under his arm he says "I'll have a pint of beer and one for the road ".
Did you hear about the two poofters who went to London? They were really pissed off when they found out Big Ben was a clock.