The best vulgar jokes

Before sex, you help each other get naked. After sex, you dress only yourself. Moral: In life no one helps you once you're fucked.
Vote: has 79.51 % from 180 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: life, sex, vulgar
A guy is walking along the beach, when he sees a woman with no arms and no legs lying on the sand, crying. He walks over to her and asks what's wrong. "I've never been hugged before" she says. Thinking this is a simple enough request, the man hugs her. She soon starts crying again. He again asks what's wrong, and she replies, "I've never been kissed before." The man again complies with her wishes and gives her a romantic kiss. She starts crying again, and the man, slightly irritated, asks what's her problem. "I've never been fucked before" she says. So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says, "There, now you're fucked."
Vote: has 78.79 % from 459 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: black humor, romantic, sex, vulgar, women
Q: What's the difference between a book and a teacher? A: You can shut a book up but you can't shut a teacher up.
Vote: has 77.51 % from 17 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: teacher, vulgar
During a lesson little Johnny yawns extremely wide. Teacher tries to make a joke: "Johnny, don't swallow me." He replies: "Don't worry, teacher, I don't eat pork."
Vote: has 77.50 % from 30 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: food, insulting, little Johnny, teacher, vulgar
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands. Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80 percent. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and repeated his question. With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except one elderly lady in the rear. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any." "Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety three." "Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three, and not have an enemy in the world." The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy, I just outlived the bitches."
Vote: has 75.97 % from 22 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: age, church, communication, time, vulgar
Yo mama's so fat when she sat on a tree it made paper.
Vote: has 75.60 % from 74 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: fat, insulting, vulgar, Yo mama
Q: What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say? A: Beat it. We're closed.
Vote: has 75.38 % from 38 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: business, dirty, mean, vulgar
Little Johnny was heard by his mother reciting his homework: "Two plus two, the son of a bitch is four; four plus four, the son of a bitch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a bitch!" Johnny shouted his mother "Watch your language! You're not allowed to use the swearwords." But, Mom, replied the boy, "That's what the teacher taught us, and she said to recite it out loud till we learned it." Next day Johnny's mother went right into the classroom to complain. "Oh, heavens" said the teacher. "That's not what I taught them. They're supposed to say, 'Two plus two, the sum of which is four."
Vote: has 74.16 % from 106 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: little Johnny, math, teacher, vulgar
A husband and a wife sit at the table, having dinner. The woman drops a bit of tomato sauce on her white top. "Och, I look like a pig!" The man nods, "And you dropped tomato sauce on your top!"
Vote: has 73.89 % from 20 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: food, husband, ugly, vulgar, wife
Kissing is a habit Fucking is a game Guys get all the pleasure Girls get all the pain The guy says I love you You believe its true But when your tummy starts to swell, He says 'to hell with you' 10 minutes of pleasure 9 months in pain 3 days in hospital A baby without a name The baby is a bastard The mother is a whore This never wouldn't have happened If the rubber wouldn't have torn
Vote: has 73.79 % from 100 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: kids, love, poems, sex, vulgar