Q: How long does it take for a workplace bully to come up with a patentable new invention? A: It depends: If the designer's desk drawer is locked, about 5 minutes, otherwise, under a minute.
A man took a trip out West after a harrowing divorce proceeding. He stopped in a bar, and after a few drinks, stated to no one in particular, "Lawyers are horses' asses." One of the locals spoke up on hearing this: "Mister, you'd better watch what you say. You're in horse country."
Yo mama's so fat when she sat on a tree it made paper.
Yo mama's so fat when she stepped on a scale it said: "A.B.C.D.E.F.G get your fat ass off of me."
Q: What's the difference between a book and a teacher? A: You can shut a book up but you can't shut a teacher up.
Q: If a horses foot covers 2 acres of land, what will his tail cover? A: His ass!
Little Johnny in Math Class. One day little Johnny was sitting in math class. The teacher asked him, "there are 3 crows on a fence the farmer shoots one how many are left?" Little Johnny replied "none." Confused the teacher asked again. "Johnny, there are 3 crows on the fence the farmer shoots 1 how many are left?" Johnny replies "0." Teacher says, "ok Little Johnny how are you getting this." Little Johnny replies, "if 1 crow dies then the other two fly away, 0 crows left." Teacher says "that's not the correct answer but I like the way your thinking." Little Johnny replies, "ok teach, there 3 girls in an ice-cream parlor. One is sucking the cone, one is licking the cone, and the other is biting the cone, which one is married?" The teacher replies, "I guess the one sucking the cone." Little Johnny says, "no bitch it's the one with the ring on her finger but, I like the way your thinking."
Autocorrect can kiss my ask!
Patient: "Doc, recently I've been very careless." Doc: "How? Give me an example." Patient: "Now I'm speaking with you, it seems that I'm talking to my dick."
Q: What's the difference between a whore and a bitch? A: A whore fucks everybody and a bitch fucks everybody but you.