Every day a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this she can’t stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a Supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled, and asks: “What’s threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?” The woman replies: “It’s Frank, the midget.”
*My dad helping me find a gf* Dad: What do you want most in a woman? Me: My dick. *Grounded and high fived*
Question: What happened to the only man that finally figured women out? Answer: He died laughing.
Doctor, the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." "Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." So, the worried fellow returned with his wife the following pad. The doctor greeted the coupled and then said, "Please remove your clothes, Mrs. Thomas." The woman obliged and removed her clothing. "Okay, now turn all the way around... Now, lie down please... Uh-huh, I see. Alright, you can put your clothes back on." While the woman was busy dressing herself again, the doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said to the man. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either."
A man and a woman meet at bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making. The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, "Quick my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom. Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks. "Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you." "Okay" the man replies "I'll go get ready." He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the f**k are you?" the man asks. "I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with." The husband exclaims, "But you are naked!" The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise. "Those little bastards!"
A pregnant woman is about to give birth. The doctor has her on the delivery table, legs up in the stirrups. Suddenly, he sees the top of a head push through. Then the baby pops its head out and says to the doctor, “Are you my dad?”. The doctor says, “No, I am your doctor!”. With that, the baby pops right back inside. “Damn!”, says the doctor. A short while later he sees the head push through again. “Are you my dad?”, asks the baby. “No, I am your doctor.”, he replies. Once again the baby vanishes back into his mother’s womb. The doctor turns to a nurse and says, “Nurse, get that baby’s father in here right away–we may have a situation on our hands!”. Moments later the baby’s father is in the delivery room, and the baby’s head once again pops out. “Are you my dad?”, the baby asks of the father. The father replies, “Yes, little baby, I am your father!” The baby then reaches up and begins poking his father in the forehead with his index finger–”How do you like that?”
A young woman was taking golf lessons and had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for medical assistance. The golf pro saw her heading back and said, “You are back early, what’s wrong?” “I was stung by a bee!” she said. “Where?” he asked. “Between the first and second hole.” she replied. He nodded and said, “Your stance is far too wide.”
"Yesterday, scientists revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones. To prove their theory, the scientists fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became emotional, couldn't drive, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned."
In "I Am Legend", Will Smith survived alone for years. 24 hours after a woman shows up, he dies. AND that girl stole his bacon.
Question: What’s the best thing about a blow job? Answer: Ten minutes of silence.