Why do so many women fake orgasm?
Because so many men fake foreplay.
I like my girl to be Hannah on the streets but Miley in the sheets.
What do the spice girls and a pack of M+Ms have in common?
There are assorted colors, but they all taste the same.
One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.
Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road.
The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.
At the roadside there also stands a young woman.
She is absolutely beautiful slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping.
The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.
"Right, you Jimmy," he shouts, "Ah want you to masturbate!"
"But..." stammers the driver.
"Du it now - or I'll bluddy kill yu!"
So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate.
Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn"t take him long.
"Right!" snarls the Highlander. "Du it agin, now!"
So the driver does it again.
"Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander.
This goes on for nearly two hours.
The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.
"Du it again!" says the Highlander.
"I can"t do it any more - you'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man.
The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says, "All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"
Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 95%.
It's called a Wedding Cake.
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What?
Are you crazy?
The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
Why do women make better soldiers?
Because they can bleed for a week and not die.
*Girl is crying*
Dad: Why you crying?
Girl: My boyfriend dumped me!
Dad: (Grabs shot gun) I'll be back.. A while later dad comes back
Girl: What the hell! why did you go kill him!
Dad: I didn't
Girl: Where did you go?
Dad: To get you icecream :D
Girl: Why the hell did you bring the shot gun?!
Dad: So I could get it for free!
Q: What is the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?
A: Snowballs.
A woman went to a doctor and said , doctor, I have a problem.
Every time I sneeze I have an orgasm.
The doctor said, oh really, what have you been doing for it.
The woman replied, snorting pepper.