How many bankers does it take to change a light bulb?
Four.
One to hold the bulb, and three to try and remember the combination.
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A white guy walks into a bar and asked a black guy for a bl*w job.
The black guy beat him up and threw him out of the bar.
The bartender then asked, "What did he say to you?
The black guy responded I don't know all I heard is something about a job!!
So it's the weekend, and I'm on my back patio when I get this idea to call up my coroner friend Bob.
"Bob's not here," his wife says, "he's at work."
"Sheesh!" I think. "Poor guy doing autopsies on a Sunday."
So I call him on his cell.
"What gives, bro,?" I ask.
"Homicide," he says. "The higher-ups need a report ASAP. I'll be starting in just a few minutes."
I Josh Bob a little. "I'll be thinking of you, buddy. Right now, I'm basting barbecue sauce on a rack of baby-backs and I'm getting ready to open a frosty beer."
"Not much different here," he says. "I'm about ready to crack open a cold one myself."
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Q: How do you keep a Republican busy for a week?
A: Turn on the spell checker.
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There was this Mexican guy, Black guy, and Asian guy all working for the same construction company.
At the beginning of the day the boss calls a meeting with them about today's work.
They were all pretty new, so they had to be assigned jobs
He says to the Mexican guy, "You're in charge of the cement."
He says to the Black guy, "You're in charge of the dirt."
He says to the Asian guy, "You're in charge of the supplies."
After delegating out all the responsibilities he says, "I'm gonna be back at the end of the day to check on your work. It better be good or you're all fired."
The boss was quite serious and had a reputation for being shrewd.
They immediately get to work.
At the end of the day, the boss comes back and checks on their work.
He looks at the big pile of cement and says, "Nice work," to the Mexican guy.
He looks at the big pile of dirt and says, "Nice work," to the Black guy.
He looks around and can't find the Asian guy anywhere so he asks, "Where the heck is that Asian guy?"
All of a sudden, the Asian jumps out from behind the big pile of dirt and yells, "SUPPLIES!"
Los Angeles Homeless...
Homeless people here are different.
You ever notice that?
Our homeless people are serious, man.
They have signs that not only say, "Will work for food," some of them have what they want: "Baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet potato pie, sour chives."
Q: Why are farmers cooler than Hipsters?
A: Farmers can go a day without their Pitchfork
One evening a father overheard his son saying his prayers "God bless Mommy, Daddy and Grammy. Goodbye Grampa."
Well, the father thought it was strange, but he soon forgot about it.
The next day, the Grandfather died.
A month later the father heard his sony saying prayers again: "God bless Mommy. God bless Daddy. Goodbye Grammy."
The next day the grandmother died.
Well, the father was getting more than a little woried about the whole situation.
One week later, the father once again overheard his sons prayers.
"God Bless Mommy. Good bye Daddy."
This nearly gave the father a heart attack.
He didn’t say anything but he got up early to go to work, so that he would miss the traffic.
He stayed all through lunch and dinner.
Finally after midnight he went home.
He was still alive!
When he got home he appologised to his wife.
"I am sorry Honey. I had a very bad day at work today."
"You think you’ve had a bad day? YOU THINK YOU’VE HAD A BAD DAY!?" the wife yelled,
"The mailman dropped dead on my doorstep this morning!"
Librarians may be shy, but their patrons aren't.
Look at their oddball requests:
A patron offered me $100 to steal a cactus from somebody's yard.
A patron wanted me to find a book to teach her dog german.
A patron on his way to the casino asked to rub my red hair for luck.
A patron once asked me for my home phone number so she could call me with reference questions when I wasn't at work.
Q: What is astronauts favorite game in space?
A: Moonopoly.
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