The best work jokes

There were two security guards who worked on opposite shifts, but looked after the same building. Over a period of a year, the night shift security guard noticed that his opposite was putting on weight. So one evening at shift change, the night shift security guard says to the day shift security guard "Hey buddy, you aint half gettin fat". To which the day shift guard replies "Yeah, that's because every time I shag your wife she gives me a chocolate biscuit".
Vote:
has 59.79 % from 94 votes. More jokes about: chocolate, fat, sex, wife, work
The below are valid reasons as to why drinking should be allowed at work. If you use them wisely, you may even be able to convince your boss to allow alcohol. 1. It's an incentive to show up. 2. It reduces stress. 3. It leads to more honest communications. 4. It reduces complaints about low pay. 5. It cuts down on time off because you can work with a hangover. 6. Employees tell management what they think, not what management wants to hear. 7. It helps save on heating costs in the winter. 8. It encourages carpooling. 9. Increases job satisfaction because if you have a bad job you don't care. 10. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work. 11. It makes fellow employees look better. 12. It makes the cafeteria food taste better. 13. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted. 14. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
Vote:
has 59.76 % from 80 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, holiday, money, winter, work
Two blondes were repairing a roof, with one working on one side and one on the other. After a while, one blonde noticed that her friend would carefully examine each nail before hammering it down, but half of the time she would toss the nail behind her after examining it. Figuring that there couldn't be that many bad nails, she yelled out to her friend: "Why are you tossing out all those nails?" "Well, those were all pointing the wrong way!" was the response. Infuriated, the first blonde bellowed "You, idiot! Those are for my side of the roof!!"
Vote:
has 59.20 % from 48 votes. More jokes about: blonde, communication, stupid, work
Q: What do you call a group financial controller who's lost his job? A: Bob.
Vote:
has 59.19 % from 15 votes. More jokes about: accountant, money, work
A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. "Your money or your life!" says the mugger. "I'm sorry," the social worker answers, "I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life."
Vote:
has 58.77 % from 36 votes. More jokes about: life, money, work
Yo mamma so stupid when she went to the library to get an application for a library card they said: "I need your ID" she gave them an EBT card.
Vote:
has 58.75 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: stupid, work, Yo mama
Q: What's a shy and retiring accountant? A: An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
Vote:
has 58.75 % from 18 votes. More jokes about: accountant, money, old people, work
Q: Why do goalkeepers spend ages on the Internet? A: Because they can't stop saving their work.
Vote:
has 58.67 % from 33 votes. More jokes about: internet, soccer, sport, time, work
I know an archaeologist who can tell you what period a tampon was from.
Vote:
has 58.58 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: communication, dirty, time, work
The bank manager was in the final stages of hiring a cashier and was down to two final applicants - one of which would get the job. The first one interviewed was from a small college in upstate New York. A nice young man, but a bit timid. Then he called for the second man, "Jim Johnson!" Up stepped a burley young man who seemed quite sure of himself. "He looks like he can take care of any situation," thought the manager, and decided, there and then, to hire him. He turned to the first applicant and told him he could go and they would let him know.  Turning to Johnson, he said, "Now Jim, I like the way you carry yourself that's an important asset for the job as cashier. However, you must be precise. I noticed you did not fill out the place on the application where we asked your formal education." Jim looked a little confused so the manager said, "Where did you get your financial education?"  "Oh," replied Jim " at Yale." "That's very good, excellent. You're hired! Now that you're working for us, what do you prefer to be called?" Jim answered "I don't care. Yimi or Mr. Yonson."
Vote:
has 58.56 % from 21 votes. More jokes about: men, school, work
<<<30313233
More jokes →
Page 30 of 44.