At work, a blonde notices her that cubicle mate has a thermos. She asks him what it's for, and he responds, "It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold." The blonde immediately buys one. The next day, she goes to work and proudly displays it. Her cube mate asks, "What do you have in it?" The blonde says, "Soup and ice cream."
Why are niggers like sperm? Only 1 in a Million actually works .
Mother: "Why was the phone busy all night?" Babysitter: "The fire department put me on hold."
First man: "I follow the medical profession." Second man: "Are you a doctor?" First man: "No, I'm an undertaker."
A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to. When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me." "Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."
What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Yell at her.
At the age of 17, Chuck Norris was fired from his job in a car factory because he roundhouse-kicked a car in half.
A father went to take his daughter from school. While waiting, he heard her talking with a classmate of hers "I worry so much-..! My dad works 16 hours a day so he can build a dream house for when I grow up. My mom spends her days cooking for me, making deserts and tiding my room so I can have fun. I worry. I’m so worried!" "With that kind of parents you have nothing to worry about," her friend told her. "Yeah, but what if... What if they... What if they... ESCAPE?"
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something we'd want to have dinner with.
What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon? A bird who knocks before delivering its message !