A guy meets a hooker in a bar. She says, "This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300, as long as you can say it in three words." The guy replies, "Hey, why not?" He pull his wallet out of his pocket, and one at a time lays three hundred-dollar bills on the bar, and says, slowly: "Paint…my…house."
A lot of people are desperate today. A fellow walked up to me, he said, "You see a cop around here?" I said, "No." He said, "Stick 'em up!"
Chuck Norris wears white to a funeral, no one asks why.
What's the difference between a gay man and a refrigerator? When you take sausage out of the fridge it doesn't fart.
Chuck Norris can do a downward uppercut.
What’s the difference between a blonde and the Titanic? They know how many men went down on the Titanic.
An asp in the grass is a snake, but a grasp in the ass is a goose.
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo -- of handcuffs.
What kind of money do marsupials use? Pocket change!
A man jumps off a building at the same time that another man pisses. Which hits the ground first? The piss, because nobody beats the Wiz!