At school, a soldier spoke to Johnny's class. Johnny felt enthusiastic about joining the military, so he went home and told his dad. To his surprise, this was the biggest step forward in his life, so his dad decided to explain the military to him. "Son, I'll teach you what you need to know about the military. The Army and Navy are the only two REAL branches of our military. The Marine Corps is a cult. The Coast Guard is playing a game called 'Pretend Navy Since 1915'." So Johnny asks his dad, "what about the Air Force?" Johnny's dad explained to him, "well son, the Air Force is like a giant corporation. Just a bunch of people sitting at desks playing Flight Simulator and bullshitting with each other." By that time, Johnny was amazed and decided he wanted to join the military, but wanted to know what his daddy did. "What did you do in the military, dad?" "Well son, I spoke Chinese and shot at the Americans in Vietnam."
Chuck Norris once won the Iditarod by pulling his team of dogs on the sled.
Three guys, stranded on a desert island, find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says "I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here."
Q: What's the difference between Santa Claus and Jews? A: Santa comes down the chimney.
A Lady calls the airline office in New York and asks, "How long does it take to fly to Hawaii?" The clerk says to her, "Just a second." The woman says "Thank you", and hangs up.
Basketball is the perfect game for a black person. All you do is run, shoot and steal.
Chuck Norris watched the tape from The Ring. His phone rang and when he answered a scared voice said "Excuse me, the wrong number"
Q. What do you call two lesbians with their period? A. Finger painting.
I'm no weather man, but you can expect more than a few inches tonight.
Q: How do you make a cat go ‘woof’? A: Soak it in petrol, and set it on fire.