Who may open the door without using hands, nor legs? An invalid.
There are three blondes on an island. A genie says they can only have one wish t get themselfs off. The first says" I wish I was smart" so she turns into a red head and swims off the island. The second says " I wish I was smarter than her" so she turns into a brunette and swims away. The third one says " I wish I was smarter than both of them" so she turns into a man and walks on the bridge.
Q: What did Bacon say to Tomato? A: Lettuce get together!
Men come in three sizes: Small, medium, and OOoohhh yesss!
Q: What do you get when 100 rabbits stand in a row and 99 take a step back? A: A receding hare line.
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.
Your fart's so loud, astronauts in space mistook your fart for a message from Houston!
A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside. "What's going on?" she yells out the window. "Cow on the track!" replies the conductor. Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace. Within five minutes, however, it stops again. The woman sees the same conductor walk again. She leans out the window and yells, "What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?"
A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before. "You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant. "No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"
How do you unload a truck of zombie babies? With a pitchfork.