Best jokes ever

How do you unload a truck of zombie babies? With a pitchfork.

He was such a big baby that the doctor was afraid to slap him.

Girlfriend pregnant error... Abort, Marry, Ignore?

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE......He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

A state trooper stopped at a little cafe for coffee. As he was getting ready to leave a patron of the cafe yelled out, "Go out and get 'em!" he said. "I suppose everyone's going to get a ticket today?" "I don't really give out many tickets," the cop said. "Oh, come on," the man teased. "You'd give your own mother a ticket." "No, my mother never drove a car," said the trooper. Then a grin spread over his face. "But I did catch her jaywalking once," he said, "and I issued her a warning. But that's all."

A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"

‘After making love, I said to my girl, “Was it good for you too?” And she said, “I don’t think this was good for anybody.”’ Garry Shandling

May I push in your stool?

Q: Do you really want to know why white people are Prejudice, and racist towards black folks? A: Simply because when they go tan their skin at the beach it burn like bleach.

Q. Why do women stop bleeding when entering the menopause ? A. Because they need all the blood for their varicose veins!