Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer's day? A: I'm bakin'.
I have to exercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
Did you hear about the lawyer who was hurt in an accident? The ambulance he was chasing stopped too suddenly.
Wine improves with age – the older you get the more you like it.
A man walks into the sheriff's office.... "I want to become a deputy!" "Good, I want to you to catch this man" says the sheriff handling the man a wanted poster. The poster reads: 'Last seen wearing a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, and brown paper boots.' "What's he wanted for?" asked the hopeful yound man. "Rustling."
Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 BC!
Dick goes into a rough bar and orders a drink. A man sidles up to him and says, ‘I can see you’re a stranger in here.’ ‘Why, yes,’ says Dick. ‘How could you tell?’ The man replies, ‘You’ve taken your hand off your glass.’
Why didn't the teddy bear eat his lunch? (Because he was stuffed!)
My tomcat used to stay out all night, so I took him to the vet and had him neutered. Now he still stays out all night – it turns out he likes to watch!
He was so poor he didn’t even get a yo-yo for Christmas. His parents could only afford a yo.