Best jokes ever

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
Vote: has 39.50 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: women
The wife told me to talk to her like she was special the other day. So I said, "gooooo ... annddd ... makkee ... meeee ... a ... cuuuppp ... offffff ... coofffeeeeeee ..."
Vote: has 39.50 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: health, marriage, wife
A drunk is sitting on a park bench staring disconsolately at a bottle of beer. A man passes and asks him what the matter is. ‘I don’t know what to do,’ says the drunk. ‘My heart says yes, my mind says no, and I haven’t heard from my liver in two days.’
Vote: has 39.50 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: marriage
Chuck Norris does not masturbate, because there is no greater pleasure than being Chuck Norris.
Vote: has 39.50 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, masturbation
Your mom's so fat she sat on Big Lots and it turned into Lowes!!!
Vote: has 39.50 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: fat, Yo mama
Chuck Norris is the only person who can kick someone in the back of the face.
Vote: has 39.50 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris
The bartender looks a little worried, but asks him what would he like. "A cup of boiled water please" "Water? I thought you guys drank blood" "Today I was in the mood for tea", says the vampire while taking out a tampon.
Vote: has 39.50 % from 19 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: bartender, disgusting
The smoothie was invented when Chuck Norris needed information from a banana.
Vote: has 39.47 % from 58 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Chuck Norris, food
Your moms pussy is so hairy when your brother was born he died of rug burn.
Vote: has 39.47 % from 58 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: Yo mama
John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away." Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed." So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired." And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning. Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired." Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!" The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?" Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."
Vote: has 39.47 % from 11 votes. Send joke:

More jokes about: cop