A kid walks up to his teacher and says "When is lunch." The teacher said "When its my break." "Your break for what? the kid asks. "My break up" the teacher said.
Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
An eclipse is just the suns attempt to hide from Chuck Norris.
Q: Who makes the best detective - Sherlock Holmes or a tax accountant? A: The tax accountant - she make's more deductions.
My boss doesn't believe money equals happiness. So instead of raises, he gives us Prozac.
Whoever said technology will replace paper has obviously never tried to wipe their butt with an iPad.
Josh: What do you call a blonde in an institute of higher learning? John: A visitor.
What is the difference between pressure, anxiety and panic attacks? You have pressure when your wife is pregnant. You are anxious when your girlfriend is pregnant. You have panic attacks when both of them are pregnant!
Why do women close their eyes during sex? They can't stand to see a man have a good time.