The Guinness Book of World Records is actually Chuck Norris' elementary school report card.
"I have the body of an athlete." "Better give it back. You're getting it out of shape."
Chuck Norris destroyed all life in a place called Happy Valley. We know it today as Death Valley.
Q: What is a blonde's definition of a naval destroyer? A: A hula hoop with a nail in it.
Chuck Norris can make ice cubes with a microwave.
Chuck Norris once threw out the first pitch at a NASCAR race.
Wearing a turtleneck shirt is like being strangled by a really weak person all day.
A man goes to the doctor about the size if his penis. He says to the doctor "My penis is too small." Doctor gives the man some medicine, says "Drink this everytime you bump into something your penis will grow an inch." So the man thanks the doctor and leaves. He drinks the medicine on his way home he bumps into a lampot so his penis grew an inch. Just a little further down the road he bumps into an Indian guy. A thousand apologies, he penis grows one thousand inches, baffled by his extra long penis he decides to paint it red, hite and blue, and wrapped it round his neck, he decides to go to the cinema, he was watching a dirty movie, sat on the top of the row of seats, all of a sudden this voice comes on the speaker. "Can the man with the red white and blue scarf stop chucking ice cream to the people below?"
Every time you're sad, just remember that somewhere out there a tree grew for years and years, but was then destroyed and became material for a Justin Bieber notebook.
Q: What did the fire monster that was slayed by the water monster say? A: "You're cold."