Chuck Norris once broke the sound barrier. In half.
An old lady was speeding down the highway while she was knitting. A cop sees this and speeds up alongside her vehicle. "Pullover!" the cop says "No!" the woman replied, "They're mittens!"
‘The United States has developed a new weapon that destroys people but it leaves buildings standing. It’s called the stock market.’ Jay Leno
A man was getting ready to close his bar for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun. He yells to him, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!" The scared the man pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" HE says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever you say!" The crook takes the money then puts the gun to the the man's head and says, Alright, now give me a bl*wjob!" "Anything!" cries Banta, "Just don't shoot!" The man starts to blow the crook. As the crook gets excited, he drops the gun. Man sees the gun on the floor, picks it up, hands it back to the crook and yells, "Hold the gun, damn it! Somebody might walk in!"
I'm going to change my Facebook name to Benefits. Now, when someone adds me on Facebook, it will say: you are now friends with Benefits.
Q: What's the difference between Miley Cyrus and a salad? A: The salad is dressed.
Q: What do you call a man with no body, and only a nose? A: Nobody knows.
A man was talking to his wife about going to the social security office. He said he would go the next day. So the next morning he goes but when he gets there he realized he forgot his license and she said that was fine she could tell his age by the hair on his chest. So he opened his shirt and everything went smoothly. He got home and told his wife what happened and she said: "well honey if you would have pulled down your pants you could have filed for disability."
We live in the era of smart phones and stupid people.
A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun, surprised by the question, politely declines and gets off at the next stop. When the bus starts again, the bus driver says to the hippie, "If you want, I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie of course says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery to pray to the lord. "If you went dressed in robes and some glowing powder," says the bus driver, "You could tell her you were God and command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides to try this out. That Tuesday, he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun. Right on schedule, the nun shows up. While she's in the middle of praying, the hippie walks out from hiding, in robes and glowing with a mask of god. "I am God, I have heard your prayers and I will answer them but you must have sex with me first," he says. The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity. The hippie agrees to this and quickly sets about having sex with the nun. After the hippie finishes, he rips off his mask and shouts out, "Ha ha, I'm the hippie! " The nun replies by whipping off her mask and shouting, "Ha ha, I'm the bus driver!"