Best jokes ever

The Dilbert Principle: The most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: Management.

A city child came running into the farmhouse. “No wonder that mama pig is so big,” she yelled. “There’s a bunch of little pigs out there blowing her up!”

You're a redneck if: -You have more fingers than you do teeth -You cut your grass and find a car -You consider Denny's a Fancy Resturant -Your best Suit contains more than 5 colors -Your age is higher than your I.Q. -Your favorite pickup line is "Does this look infected to you?" -You ask your wife whether the spot on your neck is a boil or a mole and she replies "It's a gummy bear." -You have a family reunion and everyone in town shows up. -You say "Watch this" every time before you goto the hospital. -Your wife and ex-wife are sisters.

How did the dentist become a brain surgeon? His hand slipped.

A middle aged guy and his teenage daughter were riding a motor bike and taking a shortcut through a darkened park when they were stopped by a gang of muggers. They searched them and took the guys wallet, his watch and the motorbike but couldn’t find any jewelry from the girl.When the muggers had gone, the guy asked his daughter; “Did they take your new diamond ring as well dear?” “No Papa,” replied the girl with a grin, “I managed to hide it when they were searching you.” “Hide it? where?” asked the guy,” I saw them search you too.” “I slipped it into my… a… my . . .um…. pee pee place. ”said the girl shyly. “Damn!” swore the guy, “If only your mother were here, we could have saved my motor bike!”

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss, concerned about his employee's well being, asks sympathetically, "What's the matter?" The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away." "I'm terribly sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy. Just take the day off to relax and rest." The blonde very calmly explains, "No, I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here." The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. "If you need anything, just let me know," he says. A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically. He rushes out to her, and asks, "Are you going to be okay? Is there anything I can do to help?" "No," re plies the blonde, "I just got a call from my sister, and she said that HER mom died too!"

During the soccer match little Johny sits in the front row. His friend asks: How did you get tickets? From my brother - respond Petya. And where is your brother? At home. Looking for his ticket.

Teacher: “You know you can’t sleep in my class.” Boy: “I know. But maybe if you were just a little quieter, I could.”

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader." The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, "I’d calm down if I were you." The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!" The older alien again warned his comrade saying, "You probably don’t want to do that! I really don’t think you should make him mad." "Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited him a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. "‘What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He nearly killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?" The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you don’t want to mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick it in his ear…!"

The visiting Bible school supervisor asks little Johnny during Bible class, "Who broke down the walls of Jericho?" Little Johnny replies, "I dunno, but it wasn't me!" The supervisor, taken aback by Johnny's lack of basic Bible knowledge goes to the school principal and relates the whole incident. The principal replies, "I know Little Johnny as well as his whole family very well and can vouch for them; if Little Johnny said that he did not do it, then I, as principal is satisfied that it is the truth." Even more appalled, the inspector goes to the regional Head of Education and relates the whole story... After listening he replies: "I can't see why you are making such a big issue out of this; just get three quotes and fix the damned wall!"