Q: Why do hipsters love using the subway?
A: Because its underground.
Q: What's the best way of investing your money?
A: Alcohol, where else do you get 40%?
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class.
She called on him and said, "Johnny!
What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"
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THE PERKS OF BEING OVER 60
1) Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2) In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3) No one expects you to run -- anywhere.
4) People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5) People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6) There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7) Things you buy now won't wear out.
8) You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.
9) You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
10) You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.
11) You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
12) You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
13) You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
14) You sing along with elevator music.
15) Your eyes won't get much worse.
16) Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
17) Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
18) Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
19) Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
20) You can't remember the Web site where you saw this list.
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Q: Why is Santa always so jolly?
A: He knows where all the naughty girls live.
Mother, "How was school today, Patrick?"
Patrick, "It was really great mum! Today we made explosives!"
Mother, "Ooh, they do very fancy stuff with you these days. And what will you do at school tomorrow?"
Patrick, "What school?"
Vote:
75% of women do not eat after 6... shots.
What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.
Vote:
Girl Cop: "You have to right to remain silent. Anything you say or do will be used against you."
Guy: "Boobs!"
Two eggs boiling in a pan.
One says, "I've got a huge crack."
The other replies, "Stop teasing me, I'm not f*cking hard yet."