Best jokes ever

The boy is smoking and leaving smoke rings into the air. The girl gets irritated with the smoke and says to her lover: "Can't you see the warning written on the cigarettes packet, smoking is injurious to health!" The boy replies back: "Darling, I am a programmer. We don't worry about warnings, we only worry about errors."
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has 80.33 % from 68 votes. More jokes about: IT
A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his father, who was a minister, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said to him, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it." A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "Son, I'm real proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you've studied your Bible diligently, but you didn't get hair cut!" The young man waited a moment and replied, "You know Dad, I've been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair." His father replied, "Yes son, and they walked everywhere they went!"
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has 80.33 % from 68 votes. More jokes about: beauty, car, dad, driving, teen
Sticks and stones may break your bones, but Chuck Norris' glare will liquify your kidney.
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has 80.33 % from 279 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb? A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
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has 80.31 % from 99 votes. More jokes about: life, light bulb, women
A man was in a bar one evening, when a drunk wandered over, shouting at the man "I pulled your mum just now!" the sober man just ignored him and carried on drinking. About half an hour later the drunk wandered over again. This time he said: "Your mum just gave me a BJ and swallowed" again the man ignored and carried on talking to his mates. Soon the very drunk man wandered over and shouted at the poor man: "I just fucked your mum, using every posistion possible." Eventally the man bored of this idiot, turned around and said "Go home dad, you're drunk."
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has 80.31 % from 222 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, bar, dad, drunk
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses in here." Helium doesn't react.
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has 80.30 % from 273 votes. More jokes about: bar, bartender, chemistry, nerd
A redneck calls up the White House and tells the receptionist: "I'd like to become the next President of the United States." The receptionist: "What are you, an idiot?" Redneck: "Why, is it required?"
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has 80.30 % from 199 votes. More jokes about: geography, phone, political, redneck, stupid
This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic. If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off. If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!
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has 80.30 % from 199 votes. More jokes about: airplane, black humor, death, morbid, travel
Saying the same thing over and over again but expecting different results is called parenting.
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has 80.29 % from 111 votes. More jokes about: communication, family, kids, life
Patient to friend: "I saw the doctor to day about my loss of memory." Friend: "What did he do?" Patient: "He made me pay him in advance."
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has 80.29 % from 55 votes. More jokes about: doctor, friendship, health, memory, money
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