A wife tells her husband while watching a Mexican TV series:
"Look, how much he loves her…"
"Yes. But do you know how much he's being paid for that?"
Hitler conquering another village while ww2 and he decided to give a chance for every woman in this village to save their families.
He made all men to stand naked one next to another in stright line and every woman have to find her husband by doing them bl*wjob.
First woman starts to suck and saying:
"Not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, Mine!"
It's turn out that she was right so they could walk away free.
Second woman starts to suck:
"Not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, not mine, MINE!"
True again so Hitler was deeply surprised and decided to stand in line between men of village.
Third woman starts to doing her job and saying:
"Not mine, not mine, not mine , not mine, not from this village, not mine...."
Two gays Rupert and Cecil are lying in bed together Rupert starts rubbing vaseline on his chest.
Cecil ask, "What you doing?""
Rupert said, "I read that vaseline stimulates hair growth and I want a hairy chest.
Cecil said, "Don't be fucking stupid, if that was true I would have a ponytail sticking out of my arse..."
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
"Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?"
"No."
"So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren't sure the man was dead, were you?"
"Well, the man's brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living."
An engineer crosses a road when a frog calls out to him, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bends over, picks up the frog and puts it in his pocket.
The frog speaks up again and says, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer takes the frog out of his pocket, smiles at it and returns it to the pocket.
The frog then cries out, "If you kiss me and turn me back, I'll do whatever you say!"
Again the engineer takes the frog out, smiles at it and puts it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asks, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, I'll stay with you for a month and do whatever you say. What more do you want?"
The engineer says, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"
Johnny comes back home from school and tells his father, "Dad, tomorrow you are invited to a special parent meetings at school."
"How much special?"
"Well, just me, you, the director and two investigators from the FBI."
Vote:
A couple have just had sex.
The woman says, ‘If I got pregnant, what would we call the baby?’
The man takes off his condom, ties a knot in it, and flushes it down the toilet.
‘Well,’ he says.
‘If he can get out of that, we’ll call him Houdini.’
One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems.
Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where.
More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky.
When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.
Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door.
He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
Vote:
There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry.
So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it.
The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money.
She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gave them to the man.
She said, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to the man and reinvests the rest.
She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money.
Finally, being the mere man he was, he decided to marry the one with the biggest breasts.
The priest in a small Irish village loved the rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing. He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church. During mass, he asked the congregation, 'Has anybody got a cock?
All the men stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?'
All the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn' t belong to them?'
Half the women stood up.
'No, no,' he said, 'that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?'
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.