Best jokes ever

A man comes home and tells his wife to tell him something that is going to laugh and cry. Wife thinks for a minute and says... "of all your friends you have the biggest dick."

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that’s three wishes in total," says the Genie. The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad’s a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie’s eye "poof" the oceans were teaming with fish. The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie’s eye "poof" there was a huge wall around England. The Irishman asks, "I’m very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "Well, it’s about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out." The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we’re confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I’m ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

Pupil: "Would you punish me for something I didn't do?" Teacher: "Of course not." Pupil: "Good, because I haven't done my homework."

Q: What's the difference between Miley Cyrus and a salad? A: The salad is dressed.

I just wanted you to know that somebody cares. Not me, but somebody does.

I can't tell if I'm depressed or just an adult.

Q: What do you call a man with no body, and only a nose? A: Nobody knows.

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common? They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

Knock-knock Who's there? Fuck. Fuck who? You.