I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
Q: How do you know when you are stoned? A: When you are too phoned to stone home.
My ex-wife is so thick, that it is for me, when we meet sometimes, easier to jump her over than to go around her.
"The auditors have just left, sir." "Did they check the books?" "Very thoroughly." "What did they say?" "They want 15% to keep quiet."
Q: What happened when the owl lost his voice? A: He didn't give a hoot!
Yo mamma so fat she walked into the upside down and it immediately turn right side up-
Teacher: "What does a duck say?" Jenny: "Quack Quack" Teacher: "What does a cow say?" Madison: "Moo" Teacher: "What does a pig say?" Little Johnny: "A pig says *holds up gun* get on the wall, you motherfucker!"
I told my wife that a man is like a fine wine... I always get better with age. The next day, she locked me in the wine cellar.
There was a plane crash into the jungle. A group of men survived, but were caught by savages and taken to their village. Then, chief came out of his cabbin and said:"You can choose between TUNGA-MUNGA and DEATH. What is your choice?". They looked one another and screamed:" Tunga-munga, tunga-munga!" Then chief turned to his tribe and ordered:" TUNGA-MUNGA!!" And prisoners got f****d by every single male in the tribe. Tomorrow, chief asked the same question, and they again chose tunga-munga.But,the thi rd day, they decided that they can't take it any more so they chose death instead. Chief asked if they were sure about their decision, and after affirmative answer he turned to his tribe and ordered:" TUNGA-MUNGA TILL DEATH!!"
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In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman.