Son: "Mom, I love you so much!" Mother: "I don't have any money, try it with your dad."
Q: What's the difference between a book and a teacher? A: You can shut a book up but you can't shut a teacher up.
Remove the shower head and place a chicken bouillon cube in it, then put the head back on.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
Walker Texas Ranger wasn't an action crime drama, it was a documentary.
The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders? A scrotum pole!
My New Year's resolution is to stop hanging out with people who ask me about my New Year's resolutions.
A Texan, a Russian and a New Yorker go to a restaurant in London. The waiter tells them, "Excuse me if you were going to order the steak, I'm afraid there's a shortage due to the mad cow disease." The Texan says, "What's a shortage?" The Russian says, "What's a steak?" The New Yorker says, "What's 'excuse me'?"
There was no Big Bang at the beginning of the Universe, Chuck Norris simply sneezed.