A lady who was speeding had an officer pulled her to the side of the road. She didn't have her seat belt on so as soon as she stopped, she quickly slipped it on before the officer got to her window. After talking to her about speeding, the officer said, "I see you are wearing your seat belt. Do you believe in wearing it at all times?" "Yes, I do, officer," she replied. "Well," asked the officer, "do you always do it up with it looped through your steering wheel?"
Don't stand around doing nothing. People will think you're the boss.
I really do have a soft spot for my MIL. It's out in the garden behind the garage.
Son: "Mom, I love you so much!" Mother: "I don't have any money, try it with your dad."
Q: What's the difference between a book and a teacher? A: You can shut a book up but you can't shut a teacher up.
Remove the shower head and place a chicken bouillon cube in it, then put the head back on.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.
Q: Why do Swedish battleships have barcodes on them? A: So that when they come into port, they can Scandinavian.
What do you call twelve naked men sitting on each others shoulders? A scrotum pole!