A man needing some legal help walks into a law firm.
He asks an attorney:
"If I give you $300 to help answer two legal problems I have, will you help me?"
The attorney replies: "Sure, what's the other question?"
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home.
In the den was a stuffed lion.
The visiting hunter asked, “When did you bag him?”
The host said proudly, “That was three years ago, when I went hunting with my ex-wife.”
“What’s he stuffed with,” asked the visiting hunter.
“My ex-wife” replied the hunter.
Vote:
The parish priest needs his house painted so he offers the job to one of his altar boys.
The first day the kid paints the entire inside of the house, he’s sweating like hell but eventually gets it finished.
The priest commends him on the work and with a flourish hands him a £5.00 note.
The boy looks at the money and says to the priest, "Thanks very much Father,...you’re a virgin."
The priest is a bit startled but makes no remark.
The next day the boy has to paint the outside of the house; it’s a really hot day and he just manages to finish the job without collapsing.
The priest looks at the job and this time gives the lad another £5.00 note.
Once again the lad looks at the money and says, "Thanks very much Father, you really are a virgin."
At this stage the priest decides to take action.
"Tommy," he says, "that’s twice you’ve called me a virgin. Do you have any idea what the word means?"
"Yes," says the kid, "a tight cunt."
Customer: "Waiter, do you serve crabs?"
Waiter: "Please sit down sir, we serve everyone."
Yo mama is so fat, she needs two Facebook accounts for her profile picture.
A farmer was in a bar drinking and looking all depressed.
His friend asked him why he was looking depressed and he replied,
"Some things you just can't explain.
This morning I was outside milking a cow. As soon as the bucket was full the cow kicked it down with his left foot so I tied up his left foot to a pole.
I began to fill up the bucket again and he kicked it down with his right foot, so I tied his right foot to a pole too.
As soon as I finished milking the cow again he knocked down the bucket with his tail and I took off my belt and tied up his tail with my belt.
As I was tying up his tail, my pants dropped down, then my wife came out and well, trust me, some things you just can't explain."
Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo ?
A: B-52...F-16...A-10.
How can you make your wife scream for an hour after sex?
Wipe your dick on the curtains.
Elderly Man: "Father, during the war I allowed a Jewish refugee to live in my attic."
Priest: "I do not see anything wrong with that. You helped a poor soul survive the war."
Elderly Man: "I collected rent from him for every month that he stayed."
Priest: "That's not a good thing you did, but it was for a good cause. You helped him survive."
Elderly Man: "Should I tell him the war is over?"
*My dad helping me find a gf*
Dad: What do you want most in a woman?
Me: My dick.
*Grounded and high fived*