The most effective way to remember to buy something to your wife for St. Valentine's Day is... to forget it once!
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"Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Jack, I don't have a mansion like Russell, or I don't have a Porsche like Martin, but I do love you and want to marry you."
"Oh, dear... I love you too... but, what was that you said about Martin?"
Once Chuck Norris signed a cheque and the bank bounced.
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Chuck Norris once had a bet with the Hulk, the loser had to paint himself green.
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Chuck Norris can speak French in Russian.
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Q: What's the best part about gardening?
A: Getting down and dirty with your hoes.
Q: If an accountant's wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
A: "Darling, could you tell me about your work."
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If you stab Chuck Norris, your knife will bleed.
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A guy feels out an application for E-harmony to meet the ladies.
E-harmony rejected his application because he failed to answer question 14 properly.
The question was, "What do you like most in a woman."
The man replied, "My d*ck."
Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says "Convert to Christianity, and we'll give you $100."
The one says to the other, "should we do it?"
The other says "NO!! Are you crazy?"
The first guy replies "Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I'm gonna do it."
So he walks in to the church, and little while later, he walks back out.
The friend says "well, did you get the money?"
He replies "Oh that's all you people think about, isn't it?"