Q: What do you get if you cross a duck with a firework? A: A firequaker!
What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common? They both like a tight seal.
I sent a reminder to a client that it was time to visit the eye doctor. He called back to inform me that he would not be coming in because, as he put it, "I have a new obstetrician."
Chuck Norris can drink from an empty cup.
Q: What do you get when you cross Viagra with 3 Playboy Playmates A: Hugh Hefner.
For a weddin' present Ledbetter gave his son Amos two hundred dollars. Two weeks later he asked him, "W'atcha do with the money, son?" "Ah bought me a wristwatch, Pappy!" answered the boy. "Yew dumb ignoramous!" yelled his father. "Yew should 'av bought yourself a rifle!" "A rifle? What fer?" "Suppos'n one day yew cum home and find some guy sleepin' wid yore wife," explained the older redneck. "W'atcha gonna do? Wake him up and ask him what time it is?"
Q: What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed? A: Han So-high
When our air conditioner broke down, we called for a serviceman to come and take a look at it. It turned out to be a high school classmate of my husband's named Love. He said next time we needed any repairs to ask for him. The next year when we needed service again, we requested Mr. Love. I took the day off from work and waited for him to arrive. After he had worked on our air conditioner, he left his work order behind. It had my name and said: "Wants Love in afternoon."
Q: Why is Santa always so jolly when he comes to the UK? A: He can claim Gift Relief.
Old librarians never die, they just lose their references.