Best jokes ever

An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery. "Well, since we’re confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I’m ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
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has 77.53 % from 42 votes. More jokes about: death, doctor, lawyer, money, priest
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . ."
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has 77.53 % from 70 votes. More jokes about: lawyer, money
I was walking through the cemetery the other day when a thought crossed my mind. Call me a sentimental old fool if you like, but I couldn't resist it. I texted my ex saying 'wish you were here'.
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has 77.53 % from 70 votes. More jokes about: age, death, mean, morbid, relationship
When you give birth to a great idea at work, your boss should give you 2 weeks of maternity leave.
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has 77.51 % from 17 votes. More jokes about: management, work
Vaginas are like weather. When it's wet, it's time to go inside.
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has 77.51 % from 1459 votes. More jokes about: sex, weather
Why'd the Mexican army only bring 5000 soldiers to the Alamo? There was only two vans.
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has 77.50 % from 437 votes. More jokes about: mexican, military, racist
Chuck Norris doesn't prepare dinner; dinner knows when to be ready.
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has 77.50 % from 86 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
I visited my new friend in his flat. He told me to make myself at home. So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.
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has 77.50 % from 30 votes. More jokes about: friendship
Mohan (to the doctor): "Doctor, can you diagnose my Illness?" Doctor: "Your eyesight seems to be poor." Mohan: "How did you come to that conclusion?" Doctor: "You seemed to have missed noticing the sign, hung outside. This is a veterinary hospital."
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has 77.49 % from 107 votes. More jokes about: animal, doctor, health, hospital, life
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night! He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said. The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary." She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."
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has 77.49 % from 107 votes. More jokes about: alcohol, church, life, time, wife
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