When Chuck Norris gets pulled over he read the officers his rights.
Little Johnny came home from school one day slightly confused. His mother was Jewish and his father was Hispanic. So Johnny says, "Mum, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?" "What does it really matter? You’ll just have to ask your father", his mother tells him. So Johnny’s father gets home from work and Johnny asks the same question, "Dad, am I more Jewish or more Hispanic?" "What kind of a question is that, does it really matter? Why do you want to know if you’re more Jewish or more Hispanic?" asks his dad. "Well, it’s like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, I don’t know whether to talk him down to $25, or wait till dark and steel the fucking thing!"
"Little Johnny, why does your little sister cry?" "Because I helped her." "But that is a good thing! What did you help her with?" "I helped her eat her gummy bears."
When Chuck Norris says 'Candyman' five times in a row, no one appears. Candyman ain't stupid.
I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code.
A guy walks into a pharmacy and buys a pack of condoms. The cashier asks him if he wants a bag. He responds, "No, she's not that ugly."
Eminem says "I'm not afraid". Chuck Norris says "I love the way you lie"
Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra, cobra died after 5 days.
Bloke in hospital with 60% burns, Dr. says, "Give him two Viagra." Nurse asks, "Do you think that will help?" Dr replies, "No but it will keep the sheets off his legs!"
There was a 3 car accident in Mexico yesterday, 84 people were found dead.