A man is on a plane.
The pilot starts talking on the intercom and then lays it down without knowing its still on.
The pilot says to the co-pilot, "I could use two things right now, a cup of coffee and a blowjob."
Stuartist runs up the isle to tell the pilot to turn off the intercom.
The man stands up and says, "Hey hun, dont forget the coffee."
A man with a very small head walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, "Why is your head so small?"
He replies, "I was stuck on this island and there was nothing but beautiful women there who had never seen a man before. So I had sex with all of them. Their leader, who was the most beautiful of all, had the power to grant anybody one wish, so I asked her to have sex with me. She said she would grant me anything but that, so I said, "Would a little head be out of the question?"
Vote:
One day, Bob came home from school very happy and that got his mother suspicious; "What’s the matter Bob? How come you’re that happy?"
"You can’t even imagine-..! Today at school, I planted a bomb on the teacher’s chair and we all laughed sooo hard!"
The mother upset: "Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Don’t you know that you’re going to be suspended? How you think you’re gonna show up in the school again tomorrow?"
And Bob, with a stupid smile on his face: "School? What school?"
Son: "What are you going to be for Halloween dad?"
Me: "Drunk"
Son: "What's mom gonna be?"
Me: "Mad"
The wife's just said to me "Can you explain why I've just found another womans knickers in your coat pocket?"
I said "Yes, I can explain. It's because you're a nosy ****!"
Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
A: Because after they die, they lie still.
Vote:
Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?"
He says, "No, our house isn't blue."
Vote:
I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them.
Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?
Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish.
Q: How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
A: Who knows it's never been done.