Best jokes ever

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
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More jokes about: baby, doctor, husband, phone, stupid
How do you make a group of lawyers to smile for a photo? Just say, "Fees."
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More jokes about: lawyer
In order to help jump-start the U.S. economy, the INS has announced that this year they will stop focusing on illegal aliens, and begin the deportation of retired people. It's predicted that this will not only help lower health care entitlement costs, but it turns out that retirees are much easier to catch. Plus, they rarely can remember how to get back home.
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More jokes about: black humor, geography, memory, money, old people
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris
I spotted several pairs of men's Levi's at a garage sale. They were sizes 30, 31, and 32, but I was looking for size 33. So I asked the owner if he had a pair. He shook his head. "I'm still wearing the 33s," he said. "Come back next year."
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More jokes about: communication, customer service, fat, time
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
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More jokes about: bar, bartender, life, new year, time
A man climbed over a fence into a field to pick some flowers. He noticed a bull nearby. Say, farmer "Is that bull safe?" "Well, he's a lot safer than you are right now!"
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More jokes about: animal
When Chuck Norris wants salad, he eats a vegetarian.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, food
The Guinness Book of World Records is actually Chuck Norris' elementary school report card.
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The world won't end in 2012, it will end when Chuck Norris gets bored of it.
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More jokes about: Chuck Norris, time