"Madam, your son just called me an ugly swine!"
The mother apologizes shamefacedly, "I'm so sorry, I must have told him like a thousand times it is wrong to judge people just from how they look..."
I took my grandma to a fish spa center where the little fish eat your dead skin for only $45.
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery.
Vote:
Q: What do you call a teenage girl who doesn't masturbate?
A: Liar.
Vote:
Q: What's Mexicans favorite video game.
A: Borderlands.
One day, Bob came home from school very happy and that got his mother suspicious; "What’s the matter Bob? How come you’re that happy?"
"You can’t even imagine-..! Today at school, I planted a bomb on the teacher’s chair and we all laughed sooo hard!"
The mother upset: "Aren’t you ashamed of yourself? Don’t you know that you’re going to be suspended? How you think you’re gonna show up in the school again tomorrow?"
And Bob, with a stupid smile on his face: "School? What school?"
Son: "What are you going to be for Halloween dad?"
Me: "Drunk"
Son: "What's mom gonna be?"
Me: "Mad"
The wife's just said to me "Can you explain why I've just found another womans knickers in your coat pocket?"
I said "Yes, I can explain. It's because you're a nosy ****!"
Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
A: Because after they die, they lie still.
Vote:
I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them.
Why are dolphins cleverer than humans?
Within 3 hours they can train a man to stand at the side of a pool and feed them fish.