Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?"
He says, "No, our house isn't blue."
Vote:
I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them.
A new army computer is put through its paces.
An officer types in a question, ‘How far is it from the barrack gate to the armoury?’
The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred.’
The officer types, ‘Seven hundred what?’
The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred, sir!’
4 reasons why I curse
1) Because I fucking want to.
2) Because I fucking can.
3) Because I don't give a fuck.
4) Because my mom isn't around.
Yo mama so fat she has more chins than a Chinese phone book.
Q: Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks?
A: Professional courtesy.
Chuck Norris writes on pencils with paper.
Vote:
What do you call a turtle with a hard on?
A slow poke.
I saw a man with one arm shopping in a second hand store.
I thought "You are never going to find here what you are looking for"...
Vote:
In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister.
The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me?
I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming.
She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed.
Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.
"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable.
I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation.
Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do.
So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"
In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."