Wife: "There's something preying on my mind."
Husband: "Don't worry, it'll soon die of starvation."
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Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
A: Because after they die, they lie still.
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I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them.
Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:
- A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
- You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
- You won't get arrested for picking up coffee on the street at 3 a.m.
- You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
- You can get cup after cup of different coffees all day long.
- No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
- Coffee doesn't talk to you.
- Most coffee is hot, unless you request it otherwise.
- Coffee stains are easier to remove.
- Coffee is ready in 10 minutes or less.
- When coffee gets cold, you can throw it away.
- When you drink coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.
- Coffee doesn't take up half your bed and all the hot water.
A new army computer is put through its paces.
An officer types in a question, ‘How far is it from the barrack gate to the armoury?’
The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred.’
The officer types, ‘Seven hundred what?’
The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred, sir!’
Three guys compare their levels of intoxication from a party the previous night.
The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."
The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch."
The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute home to my wife."
The first guy exclaims, "You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"
Q: What's Mexicans favorite video game.
A: Borderlands.
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
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Two old friends met by chance on the street.
After chatting for some time, one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me."
The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"
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Joke has 75.60 % from 54 votes. More jokes about: communication, friendship, memory, old people, time
Q: What is foreplay for a Liberal?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.