Why can’t blondes make ice cubes? They forget the recipe.
A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide. The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."
An aquarium is just interactive television for cats.
Q: What is the difference between a Vitamin and a Hormone? A: You can't hear a vitamin.
Why is a woman different from a PC? A woman won't accept a 3½" floppy.
John was in trouble, really big trouble. You see, he forgot his wedding anniversary and, if you're married, you can imagine what he's probably going through. His wife was really pissed. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" She was serious too, so John got serious. The next morning he woke up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped, right there in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife threw her robe on and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house and opened in with much anticipation. Inside she found a brand new bathroom scale. John has been missing since Thursday.
Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time. Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy
During a break on a North Dakota office building project, one of the construction workers approached Pyle. "Ah heard the boys is gonna strike," he said. "What fer?" asked Pyle. "Shorter hours." "Good fer them!" said the redneck. "Ah always did think sixty minutes was too long fer an hour!"
What does the dentist of the year get? A little plaque.
First Michael Jackson and now Neil Armstrong... God is clearly no fan of moonwalkers.