Q: How can you tell there's an afterlife for lawyers?
A: Because after they die, they lie still.
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Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?"
He says, "No, our house isn't blue."
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I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them.
A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas.
The vet says: "I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down."
The man is incredulous and asks why.
The vet says: "Because he's far too heavy."
A new army computer is put through its paces.
An officer types in a question, ‘How far is it from the barrack gate to the armoury?’
The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred.’
The officer types, ‘Seven hundred what?’
The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred, sir!’
4 reasons why I curse
1) Because I fucking want to.
2) Because I fucking can.
3) Because I don't give a fuck.
4) Because my mom isn't around.
Q: How do you know if Asians are moving into the neighborhood?
A: The Mexicans start buying car insurance.
What do you call a turtle with a hard on?
A slow poke.
Chuck Norris writes on pencils with paper.
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Q: Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks?
A: Professional courtesy.