Harry's wife says, "Harry, do these jeans make my ass look like the side of the house?"
He says, "No, our house isn't blue."
Vote:
I can't wait for the day when I can drink wine with my kids instead of because of them.
A husband says to his wife, "My Olympic condoms have arrived. I think I'll wear gold tonight."
The wife replies, "Why not wear silver and come second for a change?"
Q: How many men does it take to put down a toilet seat?
A: Who knows it's never been done.
Why Coffee Is Better Than Women:
- A cup of coffee looks good in the morning.
- You won't fall asleep after a cup of coffee.
- You won't get arrested for picking up coffee on the street at 3 a.m.
- You can make coffee as sweet as you want.
- You can get cup after cup of different coffees all day long.
- No matter how ugly you are, you can always get a cup of coffee.
- Coffee doesn't talk to you.
- Most coffee is hot, unless you request it otherwise.
- Coffee stains are easier to remove.
- Coffee is ready in 10 minutes or less.
- When coffee gets cold, you can throw it away.
- When you drink coffee, you don't end up with a pube in the back of your throat.
- Coffee doesn't take up half your bed and all the hot water.
A man goes to the vet about his dog's fleas.
The vet says: "I'm sorry, I'll have to put this dog down."
The man is incredulous and asks why.
The vet says: "Because he's far too heavy."
A new army computer is put through its paces.
An officer types in a question, ‘How far is it from the barrack gate to the armoury?’
The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred.’
The officer types, ‘Seven hundred what?’
The computer replies, ‘Seven hundred, sir!’
4 reasons why I curse
1) Because I fucking want to.
2) Because I fucking can.
3) Because I don't give a fuck.
4) Because my mom isn't around.
Q: Why are lawyers never attacked by sharks?
A: Professional courtesy.
What do you call a turtle with a hard on?
A slow poke.