Q: What did dick say to rubber? A: "Cover me I'm going in."
Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons." Boy: "Really?" Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!"
Two cows were chatting over the fence between their fields. The first cow said, "I tell you, this mad-cow-disease is really pretty scary. They say it is spreading fast; I heard it hit some cows down on the Johnson Farm." The other cow replied, "Hell, I ain't worried, it won't affect us ducks."
"Dad, your Father's Day gift is another year of not having to pay for my wedding."
Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house? A: Of course, a house doesn't jump at all
Q: How do you know your doctor is a vampire? A: He draws your blood from your neck with a straw!
Two old friends met by chance on the street. After chatting for some time, one said to the other, "I'm terribly sorry, but I've forgotten your name. You'll need to tell me." The other stared at him thoughtfully for a long time, then replied, "How soon do you need to know?"
When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party in a bar. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned: "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that suit. "And why not, darling?", the father asked. You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning."
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I'm turning my house into an Italian restaurant.