Best jokes ever

Q: What's long and hard and has cum in it? A: Cucumber, dirty people.
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has 76.27 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: dirty, food
Chuck Norris once won a Scrabble tournament despite getting only Z's and Q's in his rack.
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has 76.27 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was. "Ma'am", said the employee, "today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered 'til Sunday." There was quite a pause on the other end of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition. "So that's why no one was in church today."
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has 76.27 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: church, customer service, old people, phone
The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news." "What's the bad news?" asks the accused. "The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it." "What's the good news?" "Your cholesterol is 130."
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has 76.27 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: communication, health, lawyer, prison
Chuck Norris shot an arrow down with an apple.
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has 76.27 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, food
Chuck Norris doesn't cheat death, he beats it fair and square.
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has 76.27 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris, death, game, life
A man walks into a bar and orders a 12-year-old scotch. The bartender, believing that the customer will not be able to tell the difference, pours him a shot of the cheap 3-year-old house scotch that has been poured into an empty bottle of the good stuff. The man takes a sip and spits the scotch out on the bar and reams the bartender. “This is the cheapest 3-year-old scotch you can buy. I’m not paying for it. Now, give me a good 12-year-old scotch.” The bartender, now feeling a bit of a challenge, pours him a scotch of much better quality, 6-year-old scotch. The man takes a sip and spits it out on the bar. “This is only 6-year-old scotch. I won’t pay for this, and I insist on a good, 12-year-old scotch. The bartender finally relents and serves the man his best quality, 12-year-old scotch. The man sips the drink and says, “Now that’s more like it.” An old drunk from the end of the bar, who has witnessed the entire episode, walks down to the finicky scotch drinker and sets a glass down in front of him and asks, “What do you think of this?” The scotch expert takes a sip, and in disgust, violently spits out the liquid yelling “THIS TASTES LIKE PISS.” To which the old drunk replies, “That’s right, now guess how old I am.”
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has 76.27 % from 34 votes. More jokes about: age, alcohol, bar, bartender
I have asked my mamma: "Mamma, why do we have 10 cock birds but only 1 hen?" Mama has said to me: "Because I want that she has a better life than I had."
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has 76.27 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: animal, dirty, life, sex
An accountant and a lawyer were laying on a beach in Hawaii sipping mai tai's. The lawyer started telling the accountant how he came to be there. "I had this downtown property in Memphis that caught fire and after the insurance paid off, I came here." The accountant said, "I had a downtown property, too, in Miami. It got flooded so here I am with the insurance proceeds." The lawyer took another sip of his mai tai, and then asked in a puzzled voice, "How do you start a flood?"
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has 76.27 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: accountant, geography, lawyer
Only Chuck Norris can tell you the answer to your question before you ask it.
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has 76.27 % from 45 votes. More jokes about: Chuck Norris
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