Best jokes ever

An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him. "What'll you have?" he asked. "Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied. So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. "Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!" "Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
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has 75.95 % from 60 votes. More jokes about: husband, wife, women
"Mommy, mommy, I found daddy!" "How often do I have to tell you not to dig around in the garden!"
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has 75.94 % from 90 votes. More jokes about: black humor, dad, death, husband, kids
A team of engineers were required to measure the height of a flag pole. They only had a measuring tape, and were getting quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole. It kept falling down, etc. A mathematician comes along, finds out their problem, and proceeds to remove the pole from the ground and measure it easily. When he leaves, one engineer says to the other: "Just like a mathematician! We need to know the height, and he gives us the length!"
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has 75.94 % from 90 votes. More jokes about: math
A bus full of nuns crashes and unforunatly they all die at the gates of heaven they meet St Peter. He asks the first nun: "Have you ever had any contact with a penis?" The nun replies: "I poked one once." St Peter says: "Wash your finger in this holy water and enter heaven." He asks the next nun the same question, she replies "I findled with one once." "Wash your hand in this holy water and enter heaven." Then St Peter hears a commotion among the other nuns and one nun pushes to the front. "Whats wrong?" he asks. The nun replies "If im going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to do it before Sister Anne washes her ass in it."
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has 75.94 % from 90 votes. More jokes about: dirty, religious
Two old ladies are at the movies. "Psst," says one old lady. "I think the guy next to me is beating off." "What makes you say that?" "He's using my hand."
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has 75.93 % from 157 votes. More jokes about: age, disgusting, old people
Patient: "Doctor, do you think that I shall live until I am ninety?" Doctor: "How old are you now?" Patient: "40" Doctor: "Do you drink, gamble, smoke or do you have any other vice?" Patient: "No. I don’t drink. I don’t gamble. I don’t smoke. I have no vice." Doctor: "Then why do you want to live for another fifty years?"
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has 75.92 % from 85 votes. More jokes about: age, alcohol, doctor, game, life
Q: What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms? A: One's a Goodyear. The other's a great year.
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has 75.92 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: dirty, sex, time, vulgar
Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago. "Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop?" Arnold asked. "Not very likely," his wife said. "It's worth a try," Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store. With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said, "Just a minute. I'll have to look for these." He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.Two minutes later, the man called out, "Here they are!" "No kidding?" Arnold called back. "That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time." The man came back to the counter, empty-handed. "They'll be ready Thursday," he said calmly.
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has 75.92 % from 65 votes. More jokes about: car, marriage, memory, old people, time
I am a dog And you are a flower. I lift my leg up And give you a shower.
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has 75.91 % from 304 votes. More jokes about: disgusting, dog, poems
I offered a blonde a penny for her thoughts... she gave me change!
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has 75.91 % from 80 votes. More jokes about: blonde, money
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